Beauty Dare: Sunless Tanner, PLUS 5 Tips and Tricks

This post was originally intended to be a part of a writing challenge. It remains as a testament to my inability to complete writing challenges. There was going to be a punch line here but I can't be bothered to think of one. 

So, Project: Pretend To Be Tan this summer was a partial success. It's not that my skin doesn't get brown by itself, but now wrinkles are a thing that are on my radar and also I don't like laying down in the hot sun for a long time. I get bored and sweaty, and it's hard to read in direct sunlight. I bought one bottle of the spray kind and only ended up using half of it, because I'm lazy and also only really care about things like that in spurts. So for the same reasons that my eyebrows/bangs will get progressively more out of control for months before I suddenly can't think about anything else until I get them done, I spent the last few months alternating between brown and glow in the dark. It got really interesting when I actually did spend a long time in the sun; then there was sort of an ombre skin thing going on, which I really think will catch on so keep your eyes out and remember I started that trend when you see it at Coachella next year. 

TIP 1: Make your own exfoliator. Store-bought ones cost money, and that's stupid. Instead, mix some stuff together in one of the tiny mason jars you still have from when your mom sent you that box of cupcakes-in-a-jar. Briefly google "exfoliator diy" to get a general idea of what ingredients you're supposed to use. Say out loud, "Okay okay I got it" and the proceed to use whatever is already in your house because going outside is for people who want real tans. Somebody on Pinterest mentioned something about using essential oils for scent, so, perfect opportunity to use that vanilla oil that Bath & Body Works sent you by accident. It's probably for an oil burner but it's from Bath & BODY Works so don't worry it's probably fine. You don't have sugar, so dump a few Splenda packets in there. SAME THING. Salt is scrubby, right? When your boyfriend asks you where all the salt went just pretend like he's crazy. Just say whatever you said when he asked you where all the chili mango went. And if extra virgin olive oil is good enough for that thing that tears while women give birth, it's good enough for you. Make sure you have dish detergent to wash your legs/the entire bathroom with because you'll want to do something about the sticky film that develops. Again, nothing to worry about. It's all part of the process.

TIP 2: Shave your legs immediately before applying fake tan. This will ensure that every drop of pigment is absorbed into the enormous pores on your legs. That's right, friends. It's not just your ankles that are oversized. Anyway, this look just screams skin disease. It's like heroin chic, only with melanoma. 

TIP 3: Eventually you'll get tired of orange leg freckles and want to switch it up a little. You go, girl! "Keep serving the same milkshake and you'll clear your yard of boys." Susan B. Anthony Take Tip 2 in the opposite direction by not shaving for three to six days prior to rubbing that liquid sunshine into your stems. The hair blocks up your pores so that instead of your shins being covered with orange dots, small children will rub them to self soothe.

TIP 4: When applying to your face, spray/squeeze the tiniest amount possible onto your hand/mitt. Then wave your hand/mitt frantically back and forth through the air for approximately eight minutes, or until the product is 99% dry. Pat it lightly onto your face, moving in nervous circular motions. Finally, freak out and scrub it all off. 

TIP 5: Stand in the shower while using fake tan. This has nothing to do with "easy cleanup" and everything to do with DIYing your white shower curtain with a fun brown pattern. This is also an important tip to keep in mind if you want to keep your look all-natural - standing in a puddle of self tanner is a really great way to ensure that the entire bottom of your feet look like they just walked away from Burning Man. And don't worry, this is a look that lasts! No amount of scrubbing will ever take it away. Not ever!

Next up on the beauty dare docket, I'll be giving myself ombre highlights and a teardrop tattoo. 

i don't think he chose to become what he has but believe me this is not your fight

Sometimes I like to buy remnant fabric on the cheap and horde it for the day I learn how to sew. The other day I found some with DONKEYS on it. Donkeys. So I fished some elastic out of one of the cardboard boxes I haven't unpacked since 1994 and made a skirt happen. And then I got really excited because it as it turns out skirts with elastic waistbands are like the easiest thing to make ever, so I made another one happen. AND I wore them in real life and they didn't fall apart or anything. AND I took awkward, douchey pictures in order to impress the internet with my skirt-making prowess. AND the leopard one is made out of pajama material so it's super extra amazing. DIY, seriously. Not like the lie that is most of pinterest. Which I do not have because I don't need another g-damn reason to feel inferior. All you do is figure out how much material you need to cover your tush, sew it into a tube, hem the bottom, and make a fatter hem around the top but don't sew all the way. Push the rubber band in around the top, sew the hole closed, and look like a model. The End, You Are Welcome. The only problem is that measuring is for people who are not me, so they're a little bit big in the waistal area and you can sort of see where they bunch up under my shirt. But no one's been lifting up my shirts and examining my waistbands recently so I think that is probably fine. If you examine the pictures, though, you can definitely see my makeshift nightstand collection. That sure is a pile of old magazines and a plant stand. It sure. Is.

Probably I can quit college now and just design pajama skirts. I KNEW something would fall into my lap, I just knew it.

We are not the same, I am a Martian

I have eight hundred million black t shirts. Roughly. And I will spend a good handful of minutes picking out which one I want to wear. (Side note, I am frequently mistaken for a Hasidic Jew. It happened more when I lived among them but even now I still get it once in a while. And the only thing I can think of is that a lot of my outfits are just black dress/black tights/long black coat/black shoes combos. Anyway I've had some pretty neat conversations as a result of this and since I happen to be pretty fascinated with Jewish culture ever since Charlotte converted for Harry/my friend showed me Jewish Sesame Street, I get a little weirdly excited whenever it happens. And actually now that I'm thinking about it, I once worked with a girl who thought I was Amish for a while. Turns out she didn't really understand what an Amish person was but that's not the point. The point was lost in ancient times, probably Aslan knows what happened to it but somehow I even doubt that. NOT that I am doubting Aslan.)

So, um. Sometimes for extra specials (because each black t shirt is special in its own way, of course, which is why I refuse to get rid of any) I stick an old pin to a ribbon and make my neck fancy.

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You can tell it's a DIY because I put numbers next to the pictures. If you can't figure it out beyond that then you probably shouldn't have access to sharp things like pins in the first place.

[This is a scheduled blog post. I don't know why I feel the need to explain that, except that I kind of feel like there's a ghost me hitting 'publish' while I'm somewhere else doing some non-computer thing. I guess just in case the ghost-me adds something while I'm not there, like, I don't know. "Cats are stupid" or "Sometimes I poison people when I'm bored" or "I'm going to go on a diet." If you read anything like that, disregard it, because it wasn't me. It was ghost-Lindsay. Unless it makes you think more highly of me or find me more attractive or want to give me piles of cash.]


Remember when I told you I googled "Thanksgiving desserts for kids"? Whatever, you're a terrible listener. This is the shit I'm talking about. Honestly. You know what? I'm changing the locks and when you get home you can collect your stuff from the pile I'm going to make of it outside. WHO NEEDS THAT MANY VACUUM TUBES? I am a[n occasionally] beautiful [in the right light], mostly well-read woman of [some sort of mystery] substance and I don't need you to feel validated. Mainly because I have oreo truffle pumpkins now. AND WHAT.

...well. I think we can both agree that we let that conversation get away from us a little bit. Probably holiday-related stress. Also, I'm feeling a little pressured right now, you know? because I have to give this speech in about twenty minutes and I haven't really gone over it at all.* And, yeah, the pumpkined truffleos are going to be an important part of my life from now on but I know if you give them a chance you'll grow to love them too. Let's hold hands while I tell you how to make them.

(NOTE: If you really want to make them "correctly," or whatever, I suggest you go here to where I found them. If your adventurous spirit just got its CPA, or something.**)

YOU WILL NEED:

oreos
cream cheese
pretzel sticks
white chocolate chips
food coloring
a pot of water
a metal bowl to put over the pot of water for (SPOILER ALERT) chocolate-melting
(or i guess a double boiler if you're fancy)
(why do i have a wok and a crazy apple peeling/core-ing contraption but no double boiler?)
butter or vegetable shortening or something
wax paper
tube of green icing

NOW TAKE ALL THAT STUFF AND DO THIS:

Mash the oreos and cream cheese together. (In a bowl. I guess you could just do it on the counter or the floor or wherever you feel comfortable, though. The important thing is that you're having fun.) I used an 8-oz package of cream cheese and a tube of oreos minus some that I ate. I broke the cookies up a little before I started mashing, but when I make them for real I'll probably use a rolling pin before to make smaller pieces. This was just a test run to make sure these things weren't gross before I got too invested in the idea of contributing tiny cute dessert pumpkins to Thanksgiving. I needed time to design a back-up plan just in case because I really can't just go to social gatherings without some sort of offering to take the edge off the social anxiety. Except hold on, I just remembered I don't have a rolling pin. Oh my gosh, PAY ATTENTION. Now roll the oreo/cream cheese mixture into balls. Put the balls on a sheet of wax paper, stick a pretzel stick into each one and put them in the freezer for 20ish minutes. This will give you enough time to make your mom listen to your speech and tell you if it sounds objective enough even though you aren't going to change it anyway, make a cup of tea, read all the texts you didn't notice getting today, wash the dishes, and read some of your book. Now leave them in the freezer for a little while longer because it's time to melt the chocolate. Now, the lady on the website said she used melting chips or magic baker chocolate or fairy dust or something but I couldn't find any in the two seconds I was willing to spend looking in the grocery store. So I settled for white chocolate chips plus some food coloring. Anyway, melt your chocolate. If I need to describe how to use a real or rigged double boiler to you then you really should under no circumstances be following any of my directions about anything because you're probably definitely going to burn yourself. Melt a little shortening in with the chocolate to make it smoother and more magical. Oh, yeah, and remember to sprinkle the actual magic over everything the whole time. I forgot to mention that. I also forgot to add the food coloring to make the chocolate orange before I started getting dip-happy with the balls, so I had one white pumpkin. I suggest you do the same because it will make you think of Charlie Brown for almost no reason and that's always nice. Then put them back in the freezer for a few seconds while you wrestle the tip off of the tube of green icing. When the chocolate is pretty hardened you can start drawing leaves and vines and things on the balls, and if you squint real hard or perhaps if you are actually competent in the kitchen they will look sort of like little baby pumpkins.

And even if you didn't do that great a job (like some of us typing these words named Lindsay ahem) or, for instance, if you got sort of bored halfway through or your hand started to hurt from squeezing the icing tube, they will still taste like what I imagine James Franco tastes like.

The "stems" should probably be shorter, but um. I really like pretzels, so.

*Yeah RIGHT, my steel-plated ladyparts never feel pressure. Ever. I'm going to nail that speech, and then I'm going to nail your mother an I'm-sorry-we-fought picture I painted for you onto the wall over the shrine I made of your precious, valuable things.

**I don't actually think accountants are boring. I don't actually know any accountants. And if your spirit did in fact just get its CPA then congratulations because isn't that kind of a hard test?

When people are making beer bread and beer soup in your kitchen, GET UP IN THERE. Only you can prevent wasted beer.

It's a good idea to be nonchalant about this, so you might want to pretend you are making a pie. I pretended so hard that a pie actually appeared. I know, right?

Two things: One. That's a cat I cut out in the center, as you can probably already tell because I did such a good job and have a natural affinity for baking. Pie crusts = hard. Two. Another thing that is hard is taking pictures when your camera is broken. (Again, I know. I should be reported to some sort of bureau for electronic abuse.) It doesn't have a viewfinder and the screen is busted so most of the pictures here lately are my 'best guesses.' WOE. But not really.

Another important element to this fun-filled activity is that there should be a fairly important history test you are supposed to be studying for. Memorize things in between 'rescuing' beer and peeling apples. You will get an A. (I did. Like. A. Boss.)

And then when you have eaten more in a day than you have in two weeks, drink some tea because you have to use up the lemon because you used the entire peel because you thought it said 1/4 cup instead of 1/4 teaspoon.

Now, notice my over-painted thumbnail. I left that in on purpose in order to share with you Lindsay's Extremely Lazy Beauty Tip #83479: When you are painting your nails, get that shit everywhere and then just scrub it off in the shower later. You don't actually save any time. Tell your friends.