This post was originally intended to be a part of a writing challenge. It remains as a testament to my inability to complete writing challenges. There was going to be a punch line here but I can't be bothered to think of one.
So, Project: Pretend To Be Tan this summer was a partial success. It's not that my skin doesn't get brown by itself, but now wrinkles are a thing that are on my radar and also I don't like laying down in the hot sun for a long time. I get bored and sweaty, and it's hard to read in direct sunlight. I bought one bottle of the spray kind and only ended up using half of it, because I'm lazy and also only really care about things like that in spurts. So for the same reasons that my eyebrows/bangs will get progressively more out of control for months before I suddenly can't think about anything else until I get them done, I spent the last few months alternating between brown and glow in the dark. It got really interesting when I actually did spend a long time in the sun; then there was sort of an ombre skin thing going on, which I really think will catch on so keep your eyes out and remember I started that trend when you see it at Coachella next year.
TIP 1: Make your own exfoliator. Store-bought ones cost money, and that's stupid. Instead, mix some stuff together in one of the tiny mason jars you still have from when your mom sent you that box of cupcakes-in-a-jar. Briefly google "exfoliator diy" to get a general idea of what ingredients you're supposed to use. Say out loud, "Okay okay I got it" and the proceed to use whatever is already in your house because going outside is for people who want real tans. Somebody on Pinterest mentioned something about using essential oils for scent, so, perfect opportunity to use that vanilla oil that Bath & Body Works sent you by accident. It's probably for an oil burner but it's from Bath & BODY Works so don't worry it's probably fine. You don't have sugar, so dump a few Splenda packets in there. SAME THING. Salt is scrubby, right? When your boyfriend asks you where all the salt went just pretend like he's crazy. Just say whatever you said when he asked you where all the chili mango went. And if extra virgin olive oil is good enough for that thing that tears while women give birth, it's good enough for you. Make sure you have dish detergent to wash your legs/the entire bathroom with because you'll want to do something about the sticky film that develops. Again, nothing to worry about. It's all part of the process.
TIP 2: Shave your legs immediately before applying fake tan. This will ensure that every drop of pigment is absorbed into the enormous pores on your legs. That's right, friends. It's not just your ankles that are oversized. Anyway, this look just screams skin disease. It's like heroin chic, only with melanoma.
TIP 3: Eventually you'll get tired of orange leg freckles and want to switch it up a little. You go, girl! "Keep serving the same milkshake and you'll clear your yard of boys." Susan B. Anthony Take Tip 2 in the opposite direction by not shaving for three to six days prior to rubbing that liquid sunshine into your stems. The hair blocks up your pores so that instead of your shins being covered with orange dots, small children will rub them to self soothe.
TIP 4: When applying to your face, spray/squeeze the tiniest amount possible onto your hand/mitt. Then wave your hand/mitt frantically back and forth through the air for approximately eight minutes, or until the product is 99% dry. Pat it lightly onto your face, moving in nervous circular motions. Finally, freak out and scrub it all off.
TIP 5: Stand in the shower while using fake tan. This has nothing to do with "easy cleanup" and everything to do with DIYing your white shower curtain with a fun brown pattern. This is also an important tip to keep in mind if you want to keep your look all-natural - standing in a puddle of self tanner is a really great way to ensure that the entire bottom of your feet look like they just walked away from Burning Man. And don't worry, this is a look that lasts! No amount of scrubbing will ever take it away. Not ever!
Next up on the beauty dare docket, I'll be giving myself ombre highlights and a teardrop tattoo.
