I'm writing this whilst listening to Joe rhythmically kick her headboard in the other room. Naps have become a real crapshoot around here - sometimes she conks out for two and a half hours, and sometimes she pops out of bed as soon as I leave the room and knocks over furniture until I let her out. It's not something I'm overly concerned about because her nighttime sleep is good, and it's actually nice that she can skip naps now without turning into a gremlin because it's one less thing to schedule our day around. However, losing that chunk of time during the day is a real wrench in the works-from-home. Which in turn impacts how much time I have for myself overall WHICH was already basically none WHICH is fine, it's all fine. Everything. Is. Fine.

Speaking of work, usually I do a few things on Saturday and Sunday to make up for all the time I spend at the playground during the week except that this weekend the remote server is down so I can't get in so all the things are just continuing to pile up and there's not a whole lot I can do about it but again, you know, fine. 

WE SAID IT'S FINE.

We bought a new stroller yesterday. I got our last one online while I was still on maternity leave and it's been fine but Joe is starting to outgrow the straps. Since my main/only requirements of a stroller are that it be large enough to fit Joe and light enough to carry up stairs and onto trains, I'm sort of limited to strollers geared toward traveling which don't usually have a lot of passenger amenities. (I'd get an umbrella stroller, only I use the thing every single day and we need the sun shade/storage space/cupholder. Are you bored to death yet? This is who I am now. Sry about it!) Anyway I wanted to look at some in person this time so we went to Buy Buy Baby and while I was off to the side explaining the mamaRoo to a fascinated Joe, Diego picked out one he liked and was already having the sales lady call it up to the register by the time I got back. 

Many hours later, I finally watched the last episode of The Handmaid's Tale (I had to take a long break because my postpartum hormones couldn't handle it) and wouldn't you know that June and Lawrence had a conversation that was almost word for word what mine was with Diego in that moment:

"You are not in charge. I am."

I'm going to lie down with the cat now. Peas be with you

Did I live with you in a past life? 

Was I your lifelong partner?

Is that why the idea of losing you torments me so much?

 

How long have I been without you?

- GABRIELA MISTRAL (IN A LETTER TO DORIS DANA)

 

Yesterday we walked to the store to buy more oranges. They're a fan favorite these days and the more I buy the more get eaten, which means many trips to the bulk store which is okay because that's where the good slides happen to be. 

Joe put her tiny warm hand in mine and I sucked in cold air and stifled a mild panic attack because it occurred to me how precious it is, the freedom to walk my daughter to the store to buy oranges. All of the separate, fragile pieces of that freedom - healthy bodies, money to buy things, time to go. Relative safety.

In my dream last night there were lots of people waiting in lots of lines in different rooms of a building where the hallways always led to different places. You had to take a test in order to get a vaccine, and the cost of the vaccine depended on what you scored on the test. I got a low score, which was good and the price that printed out on my little ticket was very low. "It doesn't mean anything," I kept telling the people around me. "I've always been really good at taking tests." I got to the desk where I was supposed to pay and get the shot but realized I forgot my bag in the last room. I spent the rest of the dream trying to get back to to the room where my bag was. I did find it, but then I couldn't get back to the room with the shots. 

Hi how are you I'm watching the first season of Teen Mom 2 because some beautiful angel put it on Netflix and I have a lot of thoughts, mainly about Corey & Leah. Please lmk if you're also traveling back in time to 2010 so we can discuss. 

Our Christmas was very nice, thank you for asking. Joe left Santa's plate of cookies on the floor underneath the tree - a bold move, and I applaud her for it. Her "big" gift this year was a Little People garage and we've played with it nonstop since Christmas morning AND she's tried to take it to bed with her every night so far SO I highly recommend it if you're in the market for a toddler toy. (Please don't let the very detailed negative reviews deter you. Just enjoy the fact that there are people writing and leaving them and maybe feel worried for their children, because if a piece of plastic is so disappointing to their parent then that kid is in for a rough life.) 

Santa also brought me an exercise bike because I had to look at pictures of myself in a tank top and the reality of how flavored coffee creamer has negatively impacted my life suddenly became very, very real. And honestly I can always use extra places to dry sweaters so no, I will not regret this impulse purchase [OF SANTA'S] by March. Anyway I disassembled the crate it arrived in at the bottom of our staircase, carried it up all three flights of that staircase piece by piece, and then put it all together myself THEREBY AND HENCEFORTHWITH I have already started burning calories and begun rocketing toward hotness. 

The cat is also on a diet. It's nice to have a buddy. He agrees he doesn't hate it everything is great.

I am "on vacation" until Monday, which I didn't think would be relaxing but it actually has been. It helps that my whole company closes for the week, so at least I don't have the anxiety of being unavailable if someone needs me. (LOL I'm literally like, the bathroom attendant where I work no one really ever needs me but I STILL WORRY SO MUCH.) I'm planning on working the weekend after New Year's if Diego is around then to entertain Baby Joe, and I know this all seems boring but I honestly fantasize about having a four-hour stretch to be left alone to get work done. That's my fantasy. I'm not even on a beach because I don't want the files to get sandy. 

Today it rained. Oh, how it rained. A cursed freezing rain. SO. This afternoon I filled the tub with water and some big Legos, balanced my laptop on the sink, and worked in the bathroom for an hour while Joe played Water World. I cannot recall other details of this day because the second the clock struck five I poured myself a glass of wine. (It wasn't a bad day. I just like wine and quite frankly the fact that I have stayed sober during every daylight hour so far of popsicle stick crafts and PBS Kids and Teams meetings should earn me a free goddamn pass to drink whatever I want to, okay? OKAY? I'M NOT BEING DEFENSIVE HOW DARE YOU? HOW DO YOU EVEN DARE?) What I can tell you is that right now there's a naked baby doll relaxing in the cat's water fountain, and when I finish up whatever this is I've got half a mind to join her.

When Joe grows up I'll be able to explain how weird the world was when she was little, and how every day I spent watching her grow up felt like a little miracle no matter how bleak everything else got, but for now it has to be enough that we get through every day. And we do. And there is a lot of giggling and cuddling, and sometimes we have the same hair style so I think we're doing pretty great all things considered:

state of the union

Joe lies down whenever it all feels like too much, and frankly there are worse coping mechanisms so I try and be supportive. Feel your feelings, little woman.

Back in September I searched "crock pot apple" on Pinterest and learned that my root chakra is blocked, so I bought a plant on the advice of a spiritual website and just made applesauce like I always knew I was going to. The plant is flourishing in spite of being dropped thirteen times before arriving to its new home directly on top of/next to a radiator/an open-all-winter window. I'm unsure of how much the plant has impacted the health of my root chakra but since neither one of us is dead and it looks cute in my kitchen I guess I'll keep watering it. 

My cat had his wellness visit yesterday and I paid hundreds of dollars to learn that he's fat and has stinky breath. Words cannot express how much I love and adore our veterinarian, but I already knew both of those things. Except now that I've paid for the privilege of having a learned doctor explain how I'm supposed to train my cat to brush his own teeth over a period of several months, I have to actually do something about how fat and stinky he is. And if there's anything I'm annoyed by, it's being asked to do things. 

Today I made macaroni and cheese from scratch. At 10AM. And we ate it for breakfast. And lunch. 

Blogger still won't let me upload photos except for when it does but then quickly changes its mind again which makes it worse, pick a lane Blogger. 

singing loud for all to hear

We went to see the Holiday Lights at the Bronx Zoo and it was a delightful distraction from my ongoing existential crisis and how fat I am. (When I say something like that a lot of people assume I'm referring to this year and I guess I am but I also have been chubby and disoriented since adolescence so I mostly just mean, you know, in general.) 

The last time I went to this zoo was a decade ago when I first moved here and it was on a free entrance day in the high heat of city summer and I had to do teAm BuiLdiNG acTiViTiEs which were worse than the crowding and the heat combined. It's much nicer when it's November outside and you bring a cute little baby. Also they had s'mores stations set up and it was so cute I could.not.even and also we found out they sell beer there which just. Mm. If that's not Christmas then I don't know what is. 

I know this is old news but my oh my is the new blogger interface a real pain in the ass. Of all the things in all the land to complain about, I know I know, but really. Is the person in charge of it okay? Has anyone checked on them? Is this a cry for help? I just can't imagine a happy person did this to us. Listen, if you're reading this: We're here for you. Just please fix the photo uploader and let the hostages go.

Lately I've been reading first thing in the morning instead of immediately getting ready for the day or doing any work. I've been waking up at the butt crack of dawn since elementary school when we bought The Sims and I became mildly addicted and started waking up at four in the morning so I could play for hours before school, but since I've been focused on fitting work into whatever "extra" time I have most of my odd morning rituals have been abandoned. BUT GUESS WHAT, there's no such thing as "extra" time. And it turns out that odd rituals are really important. And just like it isn't a waste to put makeup on when nobody is going to see you if it makes you feel good, it's also not a waste to spend thirty minutes reading some Patrick Rothfuss (yeah hi, I guess my 30s are when I get really into the fantasy genre - this is just who I am now guys, take it or leave it) before taking a shower or doing something to justify the paycheck you're still somehow earning. 

Especially when, let's be honest okay, you're not that productive throughout the rest of the day. I've reached the "fuck it" phase of whatever stage of life this is and if you haven't yet I highly recommend that you join me here. We smile and nod at work emails that used to infuriate us, and we take candy bar flavored creamer in our coffee. The cat somehow made a hole in the bottom of our new couch and sleeps inside of it, and we're fine with that. 

Leaving the house - other than to go to the park or the grocery store - is starting to feel a little bit more normal, even though the things I'm doing aren't necessarily normal. Last week, for example, I got to experience a day in the life of multiple children "virtual learning" with two toddlers thrown in for fun and by "got to experience" I mean that I ordered a pizza for lunch and let the TV be on all day and was glad that my kid isn't old enough for the state to care what I teach her. On another day I paid a nice lady to come sit with Joe so I could bring my work to Diego's work so that I could actually complete some work which felt (a) nice, because there's no quiet like the quiet of a coffee shop with no tables and (b) risky, because indoor dining technically isn't allowed here for four more days and although I was masked up and tucked away in a far corner and technically not dining it still felt like breaking a rule. 

I don't need to go anywhere and so I largely do not and will continue not to, but taking the train and walking in Central Park and being irritated for regular city living reasons were like balm to my soul the last couple of weeks. I don't know what the next months will bring, and I have to live one day at a time if I don't want to collapse, but it's nice to remember some of the reasons I love to live in this godforsaken Christmas morning of a city.