March in Montauk is, as the young folks would say, such a mood. 

(...are any young folks still saying that? A few months ago I went through my closet and unearthed a pair of brand-new AE leggings in a dusty rose color that I'd ordered in a size too small and never got around to returning. I thought to myself, "I know a teenage girl who would love these." Let me tell you something, I have never once in my life done a more wrong thing than forget that I'm thirty-two now and teenage girls don't necessarily think I'm cool even if I've let them borrow some books that their mom would maybe frown on if she'd read them herself. Teenage girls didn't think I was cool when I was a teenage girl, so I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway I sold the leggings to a nice lady on Mercari and used the proceeds to buy Joe a princess crown so it all ended okay don't worry.) 

So as I was saying, late winter/early spring at the tippity top of Long Island turned out to be exactly as socially distant as we thought it'd be. I'm already planning a solo trip for next winter - I'm thinking January this time, just me and a stack of books and a series of hot beverages and for breakfast every morning I'll go back and see Elaine the World's Most Reluctant Waitress and this time I WILL buy a t-shirt that says "I Flip For John's Pancakes" because Diego won't be there to tell me I can't. 

Speaking of Diego, we got into an argument on this trip. It was still a fantastic trip. We even extended our stay, although we left the resort and spent the last night at "Born Free Suites by the Sea" which I highly recommend for its price point off season, proximity to the ocean and to the liquor store, and the Paw Patrol beach toys in the closet. Just thought I'd share that, because you rarely see pictures of it but adult couples do in fact have arguments and still love each other so let's normalize getting pissed off and spending the night in different beds (I got the bigger better one that wasn't a pullout in the living room part of a suite but it had a toddler in it so not sure who really got the better deal there) and then spending the next morning still kind of pissed off but then sort of getting over it over the course of a few hours and some good coffee and deciding to like each other again even though the things you were pissed off about are Still Things. It helps even more to go to Montauk Brewery and drink beer out of paper cups at a playground across the street. Should I be a couples counselor? Yes I think so too. 

Other than our long weekend at the beach, our days have been pretty much the same as they've been for the last year. Every single time we walk to the park I thank the baby Jesus and all of his friends for weather that's nice enough to be outside in and for playgrounds where I trust that the other parents are still being as careful as we are. (Although, you can clearly see where we've all hit our thresholds for germ control. For example, the other day a group of us somehow wound up sitting on the ground in a loose circle while a bunch of the toddlers played with somebody's Easter eggs and there were two babies there too and one of them crawled over onto the other one's blanket and I swear to Bob Dilyn those babies HUGGED and we all screeched because it was the absolute cutest and I just wish I'd gotten a photograph because everyone deserves to see fat babies bump into each other.) 

People in other parts of the country and on other parts of the planet are having enormously different experiences than mine right now in this spot. (People in other parts of the city I'm in are having enormously different experiences than mine. Because that's how it always is. Because of how the world works. My goodness I am terribly smart and observant this morning.) March 2020 in New York City was a fucking trip - I remember how I felt watching the ESB blink red into my bedroom window, and so I can't blog about our weekend at the sea shore without acknowledging that the pandemic is still and always has been very real. If we're not wearing masks in these photos, it's because we're outside and are the only people around. NOT because I don't like them. Which, I do and I don't - I quite like walking down the road making faces that no one can see, but that's just me.

Look, I stayed home for literal months. Diego changed his clothes in the hallway every time he came home from work and showered before even saying hello. We didn't know anything so we had to just do everything, you know? And yes, I have Feelings about The Rules and The Way They Are Enforced But Sometimes Not, etc. But I just do my best. And I trust everyone else to also do their best, and I try very hard to remember that we all only see moments of each other's day and not the whole picture and it makes it easier to have compassion which is something I need to work on in general anyway so it's good practice. I will continue to wear a mask and stay the F away from people (Baby Joe hasn't seen her grandma or her uncle since Christmas 2019) until I'm fully vaccinated (FIRST APPOINTMENT THIS SUNDAY WHAT WHAT) and even then, you know, keep doing all the things. As we all should, because even if your cousin and your mom and you and your neighbor all had covid and "were fine," that isn't the case for everyone. 

It's difficult for me that there are people who refuse to even try and understand that, but I will not use potty words. I will just let you know that sometimes, in spite of my best intentions, potty words do cross my mind.

Well this turned into something I didn't know it was going to. It feels nice to be writing aimlessly, though. I threw these photos into this draft a few days ago and thought, "I'll come back later and craft some silly little paragraphs for in between the pairs of photos because I like the way that looks." 

I opened my computer to do some actual work, but nothing seemed more urgent than finishing my coffee and a blog post while Joe stands directly on top of the television and drinks too much orange juice. Actually no, that's a lie - I opened my computer to see what the weather looks like for today, and got distracted by work, and then got irritated and switched over to this. I will repeat a version of that for the rest of the day until I eventually crawl into bed to play Breath of the Wild until I pass out. 

I have started going in to the office once a week, and it honestly reminds me of when I went back to work after maternity leave and going to work felt like a break. That wore off pretty quickly as I imagine it will again, but I'll enjoy the feeling while it lasts. We're not "officially" open so there aren't many people there during the day, which is extra lovely because it's nice and quiet and I actually get a ton done while I'm there. Diego has been moving his schedule around to be home with Joe on those days, but we're going to start having the woman who used to work at her daycare come watch her so we can both work AND so she can start to get used to being around other adults again. She's still got another year before preschool, and I'm not sure if I'll be ready to put her into daycare any time this year. It just... depends. Like so much else. 

I was only joking before about her standing directly on top of the television but now she's dragged her little stool over to the tv stand and really is climbing up there so I should probably take her outside to climb on stuff that won't shatter or electrocute her. WHAT A GOOD MOM, I know. 

I'm writing this whilst listening to Joe rhythmically kick her headboard in the other room. Naps have become a real crapshoot around here - sometimes she conks out for two and a half hours, and sometimes she pops out of bed as soon as I leave the room and knocks over furniture until I let her out. It's not something I'm overly concerned about because her nighttime sleep is good, and it's actually nice that she can skip naps now without turning into a gremlin because it's one less thing to schedule our day around. However, losing that chunk of time during the day is a real wrench in the works-from-home. Which in turn impacts how much time I have for myself overall WHICH was already basically none WHICH is fine, it's all fine. Everything. Is. Fine.

Speaking of work, usually I do a few things on Saturday and Sunday to make up for all the time I spend at the playground during the week except that this weekend the remote server is down so I can't get in so all the things are just continuing to pile up and there's not a whole lot I can do about it but again, you know, fine. 

WE SAID IT'S FINE.

We bought a new stroller yesterday. I got our last one online while I was still on maternity leave and it's been fine but Joe is starting to outgrow the straps. Since my main/only requirements of a stroller are that it be large enough to fit Joe and light enough to carry up stairs and onto trains, I'm sort of limited to strollers geared toward traveling which don't usually have a lot of passenger amenities. (I'd get an umbrella stroller, only I use the thing every single day and we need the sun shade/storage space/cupholder. Are you bored to death yet? This is who I am now. Sry about it!) Anyway I wanted to look at some in person this time so we went to Buy Buy Baby and while I was off to the side explaining the mamaRoo to a fascinated Joe, Diego picked out one he liked and was already having the sales lady call it up to the register by the time I got back. 

Many hours later, I finally watched the last episode of The Handmaid's Tale (I had to take a long break because my postpartum hormones couldn't handle it) and wouldn't you know that June and Lawrence had a conversation that was almost word for word what mine was with Diego in that moment:

"You are not in charge. I am."

I'm going to lie down with the cat now. Peas be with you

Did I live with you in a past life? 

Was I your lifelong partner?

Is that why the idea of losing you torments me so much?

 

How long have I been without you?

- GABRIELA MISTRAL (IN A LETTER TO DORIS DANA)

 

Yesterday we walked to the store to buy more oranges. They're a fan favorite these days and the more I buy the more get eaten, which means many trips to the bulk store which is okay because that's where the good slides happen to be. 

Joe put her tiny warm hand in mine and I sucked in cold air and stifled a mild panic attack because it occurred to me how precious it is, the freedom to walk my daughter to the store to buy oranges. All of the separate, fragile pieces of that freedom - healthy bodies, money to buy things, time to go. Relative safety.

In my dream last night there were lots of people waiting in lots of lines in different rooms of a building where the hallways always led to different places. You had to take a test in order to get a vaccine, and the cost of the vaccine depended on what you scored on the test. I got a low score, which was good and the price that printed out on my little ticket was very low. "It doesn't mean anything," I kept telling the people around me. "I've always been really good at taking tests." I got to the desk where I was supposed to pay and get the shot but realized I forgot my bag in the last room. I spent the rest of the dream trying to get back to to the room where my bag was. I did find it, but then I couldn't get back to the room with the shots. 

Hi how are you I'm watching the first season of Teen Mom 2 because some beautiful angel put it on Netflix and I have a lot of thoughts, mainly about Corey & Leah. Please lmk if you're also traveling back in time to 2010 so we can discuss. 

Our Christmas was very nice, thank you for asking. Joe left Santa's plate of cookies on the floor underneath the tree - a bold move, and I applaud her for it. Her "big" gift this year was a Little People garage and we've played with it nonstop since Christmas morning AND she's tried to take it to bed with her every night so far SO I highly recommend it if you're in the market for a toddler toy. (Please don't let the very detailed negative reviews deter you. Just enjoy the fact that there are people writing and leaving them and maybe feel worried for their children, because if a piece of plastic is so disappointing to their parent then that kid is in for a rough life.) 

Santa also brought me an exercise bike because I had to look at pictures of myself in a tank top and the reality of how flavored coffee creamer has negatively impacted my life suddenly became very, very real. And honestly I can always use extra places to dry sweaters so no, I will not regret this impulse purchase [OF SANTA'S] by March. Anyway I disassembled the crate it arrived in at the bottom of our staircase, carried it up all three flights of that staircase piece by piece, and then put it all together myself THEREBY AND HENCEFORTHWITH I have already started burning calories and begun rocketing toward hotness. 

The cat is also on a diet. It's nice to have a buddy. He agrees he doesn't hate it everything is great.

I am "on vacation" until Monday, which I didn't think would be relaxing but it actually has been. It helps that my whole company closes for the week, so at least I don't have the anxiety of being unavailable if someone needs me. (LOL I'm literally like, the bathroom attendant where I work no one really ever needs me but I STILL WORRY SO MUCH.) I'm planning on working the weekend after New Year's if Diego is around then to entertain Baby Joe, and I know this all seems boring but I honestly fantasize about having a four-hour stretch to be left alone to get work done. That's my fantasy. I'm not even on a beach because I don't want the files to get sandy. 

Today it rained. Oh, how it rained. A cursed freezing rain. SO. This afternoon I filled the tub with water and some big Legos, balanced my laptop on the sink, and worked in the bathroom for an hour while Joe played Water World. I cannot recall other details of this day because the second the clock struck five I poured myself a glass of wine. (It wasn't a bad day. I just like wine and quite frankly the fact that I have stayed sober during every daylight hour so far of popsicle stick crafts and PBS Kids and Teams meetings should earn me a free goddamn pass to drink whatever I want to, okay? OKAY? I'M NOT BEING DEFENSIVE HOW DARE YOU? HOW DO YOU EVEN DARE?) What I can tell you is that right now there's a naked baby doll relaxing in the cat's water fountain, and when I finish up whatever this is I've got half a mind to join her.

When Joe grows up I'll be able to explain how weird the world was when she was little, and how every day I spent watching her grow up felt like a little miracle no matter how bleak everything else got, but for now it has to be enough that we get through every day. And we do. And there is a lot of giggling and cuddling, and sometimes we have the same hair style so I think we're doing pretty great all things considered:

state of the union

Joe lies down whenever it all feels like too much, and frankly there are worse coping mechanisms so I try and be supportive. Feel your feelings, little woman.

Back in September I searched "crock pot apple" on Pinterest and learned that my root chakra is blocked, so I bought a plant on the advice of a spiritual website and just made applesauce like I always knew I was going to. The plant is flourishing in spite of being dropped thirteen times before arriving to its new home directly on top of/next to a radiator/an open-all-winter window. I'm unsure of how much the plant has impacted the health of my root chakra but since neither one of us is dead and it looks cute in my kitchen I guess I'll keep watering it. 

My cat had his wellness visit yesterday and I paid hundreds of dollars to learn that he's fat and has stinky breath. Words cannot express how much I love and adore our veterinarian, but I already knew both of those things. Except now that I've paid for the privilege of having a learned doctor explain how I'm supposed to train my cat to brush his own teeth over a period of several months, I have to actually do something about how fat and stinky he is. And if there's anything I'm annoyed by, it's being asked to do things. 

Today I made macaroni and cheese from scratch. At 10AM. And we ate it for breakfast. And lunch. 

Blogger still won't let me upload photos except for when it does but then quickly changes its mind again which makes it worse, pick a lane Blogger. 

singing loud for all to hear

We went to see the Holiday Lights at the Bronx Zoo and it was a delightful distraction from my ongoing existential crisis and how fat I am. (When I say something like that a lot of people assume I'm referring to this year and I guess I am but I also have been chubby and disoriented since adolescence so I mostly just mean, you know, in general.) 

The last time I went to this zoo was a decade ago when I first moved here and it was on a free entrance day in the high heat of city summer and I had to do teAm BuiLdiNG acTiViTiEs which were worse than the crowding and the heat combined. It's much nicer when it's November outside and you bring a cute little baby. Also they had s'mores stations set up and it was so cute I could.not.even and also we found out they sell beer there which just. Mm. If that's not Christmas then I don't know what is. 

I know this is old news but my oh my is the new blogger interface a real pain in the ass. Of all the things in all the land to complain about, I know I know, but really. Is the person in charge of it okay? Has anyone checked on them? Is this a cry for help? I just can't imagine a happy person did this to us. Listen, if you're reading this: We're here for you. Just please fix the photo uploader and let the hostages go.