In one, it’s halfway through the year and I haven’t done any of my science homework. 

In the other, I’m reunited with various colleagues from throughout the years for a new project. We’re at some sort of large, resort-like property. There’s a meeting on an enormous deck that has hundreds of round tables covered with umbrellas. Everyone is heading there, but for some reason I break off from the group because I desperately need to change my clothes before this meeting. I am then somehow in my grandparents’ foyer and there’s a giant pile of my clothes on the floor in between their guest bathroom and the stairs. Their stairs lead to the deck where everyone else is waiting for me, and more people begin climbing the stairs to join the meeting, but I can’t stop trying on dresses. When I finally try to climb the stairs to the deck, it’s like trying to climb a mountain that’s buried in Play-Doh. Everyone has broken off into pairs or small groups. I turn around and leave because I realize I left my phone and all of my notes downstairs.

The other night, I was putting on fake eyelashes when what I really wanted to do was go to bed. I’m telling you this not so you’ll feel sorry for me (“Poor sweet darling, forced to leave her cave after dark”), but so that you’ll understand I was under the influence of sleep deprivation and perhaps not judge me too harshly for what happened next. This is the thing that happened next: I thought the fake eyelashes were too much, so instead of TAKING THEM THE FUCK OFF I decided to TRIM THEM WHILE THEY WERE ATTACHED TO MY FACE. And while I was doing it I thought, “It sure would be stupid if I cut my own eyelashes, ha! ha! I’d look SO DUMB! ha! ha!”

It’s a good thing nobody notices my haircuts, because I gave one to my eyelids. Fuck. So that’s how I’m doing lately, in case you were going to ask. Fuck, is how.

Also, I have SO MANY ZITS. I’ve only been half-paying attention to them, because everything is terrible*** so why wouldn’t my skin also be? and my chin pretty predictably throws a tantrum every month or two so whatever who cares. But for the past, mm, week and a half? my skin has been OUT OF CONTROL. And one day I just noticed it all of a sudden, out of nowhere, like, you know, how I seem to notice most things lately. HI I’M TERRIBLE. DIDN’T YOU NOTICE? No, actually, I didn’t. OH WELL I AM. SORRY ABOUT IT.

And then I found out by accident that some people break out when they quit smoking. And I did that! So these zits are actually a good thing. BYE, TOXINS. BYE FOREVER. Now, I need a similar thing to make me feel better about these terrible bangs. And my stubby eyelashes. Isn’t there a song about this? “There is a season la la la, a time to be ugly, a time to get hot again, la”? If there’s not already I just wrote it. DON’T COPY ME JONAS BIEBER I KNOW YOU’RE READING THIS.



***Come on, guys. Everything’s not terrible. Or maybe a lot of things are but we can work on making them not as terrible. We really really can, and we really really need to. So let’s keep fighting the good fights and let’s start some new ones where there aren’t any but there should be. And also, let’s hug. Except if I don’t know you that well, then please don’t hug me, it’s not you, I have a thing? But we can stand close-ish to each other, in solidarity. Solidarity is important. Remember that.