I do not like:

- Turkey (unless it’s covered in something else, like mayonnaise or chocolate sauce) (but not both of those things at once, don’t be vulgar)
- Stuffing
- Gravy
- Mashed potatoes
- Pumpkin pie

I DO like green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, and cheesecake. And crescent rolls. And all of the other shapes of rolls. Also cranberry sauce but it has to be the jellied kind and it has to keep the shape of the can that it came in once it’s dumped onto the plate. And it must, MUST make a little sucking sound as it plops out. Or I just won’t enjoy it. (I will though, probably. But so help me, if you put orange peels in it, I am telling you right now that blood is going to shoot out of my nostrils. And I will be aiming them at you. You and your orange peels.)

This year my mom came over and we got drunk on my living room floor while Diego cooked everything. Then we lit the Christmas tree. The only pumpkin was in cheesecake form and nobody even mentioned the word “stuffing.” Just kidding, I did. I said, “I’M SO GLAD WE AREN’T HAVING ANY STUFFING.” I said it through mouthfuls of pumpkin cheesecake. It was all very Norman Rockwell.

Seriously, it was as perfect a Thanksgiving as my Christmas tree is short and wide. (So, extremely. Extremely perfect.) But alas, there’s nothing like kicking off a season of consumption with a national salute to gluttony to throw all your food issues into stark relief. The amount of sugar and fat I put into my mouth hole yesterday could sustain a small town for a… half an hour. (I’m practicing not exaggerating. It’s the hardest thing I or anyone has ever had to do.) It was a lot. Definitely, definitely too much. And I knew that, but what I didn’t remember to know was that at a certain point my ability to reason becomes severely limited in regards to food. And what made me remember to know that was when Diego casually observed that I had eaten almost an entire plateful of cookies and I said well yeah I had to eat all of them before tomorrow so I wouldn’t eat them all week and he looked at me like I wasn’t making any sense because OF COURSE HE DID, THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. But I know that there are a few of you who were right there with me up until you were jarred by my sudden and excessive use of capital letters.

Watch what you eat, but not too closely. Hold yourself accountable, but gently. Et cetera et cetera ugh. It’s never easy, not now and not in February and not in July. Well, sometimes it is. And it’s hard to tell if that’s a trick or if the other stuff is. So. I don’t know what my point is, was I supposed to bring one? Meh, well, if there WAS a point, I’d probably just eat it anyway. Better this way. Less calories.

I was going to leave on a lighthearted, we’re-all-in-this-together! note, but I went away for a long time and can’t remember what I was getting at. How about this: Let your heart be light! Friendship! Pillsbury!