i know the shape of your hands because i watch them when you talk

because i need to be studying right now, and i can't get past the amygdala (the diagram's or my own). because all of my mnemonic devices seem to include you. because for the past few months i've gone intentionally without, and i feel purer and focused-er for it, only you keep appearing while i'm asleep. because those are the dreams that color my mornings. because i'm a creep and the truth is they kind of color the afternoons and evenings too. because it's true that i want to be free right now, as free as anyone can be and whatever that means. because i'm afraid to make space for you. because mine. because i'm afraid you won't want to fill it.

this is so not even a thing and you might be probably are symbolic.
probably i am pinning a lot of still-vague feelings to you,
and probably i might be projecting onto a you that really is just a thing to be projected onto and not a you at all.

only there is a you, and you are that,
and even though this definitely isn't a thing
and everything,

i sometimes feel a very real and not unpleasant
gentle sort of pressure. (not from you,
you don't know any of this and how would you)

(how would you?)

and i start to suspect that i already know something
and am keeping secrets from myself
which is aggravating as i can be pretty smug.

and i sometimes, like today is one of the times, sort of feel that about-to-cry feeling in a nice way. but also in a kind of standing-too-close-to-the-edge-of-a-canyon way. exhiliarating, but probably i could die. is the thing about standing close to the edges of canyons.

but mostly in the good way, and i feel like you'd probably be weirded out if you knew how happy you make me by hardly doing anything. but don't worry about it too much because i'm not saying anything.

so even though part of me wants you to stop

(you're not even doing anything)

no matter what, please don't.