The other morning I smashed into my driveway via my kneecaps, ripping a hole into the only piece of denim that doesn't require a length of industrial cable/the grace of goddess to keep up because BUYING PANTS IS THE WORST. The fact that I was chuckling UPROARIOUSLY (uproarious chuckles = ?) at my mom picking her own way down the drive, a vision of the woman who will someday frighten my children to death with the weird things she'll yutter (yell + mutter) in her sleep that will sound even more frightening as they will be echoing from the attic I've allotted her, might possibly lead one to believe that my fall was, say, a bitch slap from karma for being a rude daughter. And if you'd asked me on that day, I'd have said that "one" would be wrong in that belief, because (I would've said) I only fell because I was distracted by laughing/being mean. And then the next thing you would have asked me would have been Don't you know the definition of karma? and I would have pulled your hair. Anyway the bad juju from me being unkind to the woman who let me live inside of her for a while that one time might be sticking around, because last night in the shower I went to pick up a bottle of body wash (probably more quickly than was really necessary but I want to save water because earth) (also the lingering fear of a clown's hand reaching up from the shower drain but mostly just the saving water thing. ...I'd say it's 60/40) and nailed myself directly in my facial area. Like where my nose goes. Because I bought two bottles of the same soap (on sale! see, I make gestures toward budgeting) (no I don't I trick myself into thinking I am a baller) (I am!) (nope) and when I used the first one up I put the second one in the shower. Without throwing away the first one. ERGO, punching myself in my moneymaker with an empty plastic bottle. Physics is ruining my whole entire life.
I have completely lost the thread of whatever it was I wanted to say.
In other news, MyFitnessPal doesn't seem to think I'm eating enough calories. And to MyFitnessPal I say: areyoukiddingmeiworkoutnevertimesperweekandimostlyeatcandybarsforlunch. What really bothers me about this though is that it makes this assertion in bright red letters and that is JARRING. Why not just say "If every day were like today you would be DEAD in five weeks"? Possibly that IS what will happen if I keep getting the majority of my sustenance from a vending machine. Anyway I've been being pretty fancy in the kitchen lately, just saying. Depending on what your criteria for "fancy" is. Mine happens to be more than two ingredients/steps. SO YEAH. Eat your heart out, Giada. (I bet it tastes delicious.)
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| If I have to wash things it's EXTRA fancy. Also if things are pink. |
In other other news, I hate when bananas look like they're ripe on the outside but when you bite into them they're all "NO I'm not ready yet!!" They are the cockteases of fruit.
Sorry I said 'cockteases' before. That wasn't very woman-forward of me.
Although, I feel like you're being a little defensive. As far as I am aware bananas have not been historically oppressed or subjected to violence so why don't you take a seat. Cool your jets. There now. That's better. Have some cat pictures:
Little sleepy morning faces. Seeku asked me to airbrush over his eyeboogers but I told him he was beautiful just the way he was.
