these days

Our company told everybody to go home a few days ahead of the governor shutting down all non-essential businesses, and a few days before that I had my wisdom tooth removal. They were supposed to take out two but only ended up doing one because as it turns out my wisdom teeth are extra enormous and were really stuck in there and getting the one out was a real pain in the you know what. (It's been two weeks and it still really fucking hurts. Thank you for asking, you're honestly so considerate.) 

So anyway I had the benefit of prescription painkillers to take the initial edge off the weirdness of social distancing. Then daycare was still open for a few days (there were only two other kids there besides mine and it's approximately one minute away from where we live, otherwise I might have pulled her out sooner), so really I've only been home trying to simultaneously work and mom a toddler since Monday. 

Of course I'm concerned for my family's physical and emotional and financial wellbeing, but that's not what's keeping me awake at night - yet - because we are extremely fortunate to still have both of our incomes for now. It will be a real blow if that changes, which it almost certainly will, but I think we'll be okay. 

What hurts my whole heart, as I sip my coffee and listen to my healthy daughter talk to Peppa Pig and to the sounds of my partner leaving the house to go to the job that he still has while I comb through the websites of multiple online retailers who aren't shipping diapers right now, is how many people there are who are not okay, either because they weren't okay before all of this or because they're suddenly not okay as a direct result of this, or some combination of both of those things plus all of the other things. 

And as much as I would like to believe that maybe this whole thing will bring about some meaningful social revolution, I am more immediately concerned about the fact that there are so many people who just got cut off at the knees, have no experience navigating public services that are impossible to navigate right now anyway, and have no cash to feed themselves. (If you are one of those people, please reach out to me. I can't do much, but if I can help you get groceries or soap or formula or wine or whatever small thing will help make this the slightest bit easier, I really want to. My email address is lindsaylineberry@gmail.com and if you know me in real life and have my phone number GO FOR IT. Even if I've ignored you in the past or you think I'm mad at you, just do it anyway. Maybe you can help me too.)

At this moment I don't have it in me to come up with smarter or nicer words to express a lot of what I'm thinking, but: I just never cease to be perplexed at how poorly prepared we are to handle any emergency situation. ("Who's 'we'?" you ask. I don't know. Everyone. Residents of the universe.) 

I just deleted an entire paragraph because I'd rather celebrate the good parts of humanity right now, so here are two of mine:

+ Joe got an ear infection a couple of weeks ago, right when all of this was getting real for everybody around here. I couldn't get through to her pediatrician's office, which I expected since they'd probably been fielding frantic virus-related phone calls for days. So we popped over to urgent care, where we were asked to wait outside on the sidewalk because they couldn't have people gathered in the waiting room. And I won't lie to you - standing outside of urgent care in the cold with my sick baby and being really unsure of whether or not anyone would see her (they were having to turn people away who hadn't checked in online and then their website crashed) I started to really panic for the first time. 

But the receptionist came outside, probably breaking many rules, and took time I'm sure she didn't have to explain what was going on. It was the smallest thing but the human contact calmed us down enough to think clearly and we went across the street to wait inside a warm restaurant (that was still allowed, then) and eat mozzarella sticks. And she was seen, and everyone was wonderful, and she's all better now. 

+ Yesterday morning we had to put Griffon to sleep. He was sick in December, and when our [amazing, love him forever] veterinarian told us what he suspected, heart disease was one of the things he thought might be wrong. But since almost immediately after that Griffon's appetite came back and it seemed like he was back to normal, we assumed that he'd just eaten something that made him sick and it had passed (one of the other things the vet suggested.) But in the past few weeks I noticed his breathing seemed labored, and then when I started to be home all day it was really obvious that he wasn't acting like himself so I took him to The Animal Medical Center. 

Let me tell you something: My heart is broken. Diego and I are both devastated. But the fact that there are people in the world working this hard to keep taking care of animals, and working just as hard to protect the people doing it, makes me feel so much better about everything. Their setup was as close to perfect as I think you can get - it involved heated outside waiting areas for humans, couriers taking the animals in and out of the hospital, and cell phone conversations with the veterinarians -  and every single person was so, so kind. 

Griffon had heart disease. He wasn't a fellow who enjoyed strangers, or being handled, or touched, or carried, and so even if I could afford to pay the thousands of dollars it would have cost to keep him in the hospital I wouldn't have put him through the medical procedures and then the multiple daily medicines he'd need after that. 

We met him when we were still grieving Arwen, and we said goodbye during a literal pandemic. I can't help but think that there's some poetry in that, but in honor of Griffon's love of quiet I won't talk much more about it.

currently clogging cleverly

Watching Kath & Kim. May the baby Jesus bless whatever algorithm made this show pop up on Netflix, because it is everything I’ve been wanting in a show that I didn’t know I wanted. Early 2000s fashion, dated celebrity references, Australian accents, stupid jokes, smart jokes, just everything, I just love it all so much. 

Reading N.K. Jemisin. After barely reading anything at all for well over a year – nothing I picked up was really grabbing me, which very likely had a lot less to do with the quality of reading material available than with the fact that nothing in the world is more interesting than sleep to a person who isn’t getting any – I found “The Fifth Season” last month by randomly clicking around on Amazon. And holy cow. I bought the second and third books in the trilogy before finishing the first and read them all one after another. Turns out that N.K. Jemisin is kind of a huge deal! She’s already won lots of awards et cetera et cetera and so she probably doesn’t care that she has a new fan in me (five years after everyone else already knew about her… I’m nothing if I’m not a trendsetter) BUT IF YOU’RE READING THIS, HI! I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR REKINDLING MY LOVE OF READING IF YOU WANT TO COME OVER YOU TOTALLY CAN.

Last night I finished reading “The Art of Inheriting Secrets,” by Barbara O’Neal because I needed a palette cleanser before starting another Jemisin trilogy. Sometimes you need a little romance in an English countryside in between fantasy worlds, you know? Anyway it was fine! Worth every one of the zero dollars I paid for it.

Worrying about getting my wisdom teeth out next week. I finally sucked it up and found a new dentist that I actually like, who referred me to an oral surgeon who is just delightful and seems perfectly competent. Still, I should have had this done years ago and in addition to this particular procedure costing me a small fortune I am also concerned about what other work I’m going to need to have done. I am twenty-nine hundred times more apprehensive about this than I was about giving birth. (I said that to the woman I share an office with, who responded “Make sure someone is waiting for you so that nobody molests you while you’re drugged” so there’s absolutely no need to worry about me nope no sir I am surrounded by positive, reassuring individuals.)

Baking some kind of banana bread pudding concoction this weekend, because last night I thought "Oh why don't I bake a nice chocolate chip banana bread" to bring to a Ted Bundy viewing I'm going to tonight and then I thought, "Well there will be other food there so why don't I use some of this batter to make mini muffins for daycare" and of course burnt the ever-loving crap out of the mini muffins. (I was in the other room watching Kath & Kim and lost track of time if you must know.) Then this morning I couldn't fit the whole loaf into a container AND SO now I have all these sort of burnt tiny muffins and a couple of stray crumbly squares that will probably good with some pudding dumped over the top.

Zoodle Margaret hugs for real now, and her little arms around my neck are worth every single moment she insists that we sit in the dark while eating dinner because she likes to flick the light switch off but not back on again and so help you if you try to do it. Also she now says both "love you!" and "amo!" and it's honestly, truly just too much. 

We didn't take any "Christmas photos" this year but Joe sat in this basket this morning, so.

My office doesn't technically close for the holidays until Christmas Day and I sure as sugar plum fairies wasn't going to use vacation time on a day that is mostly just free lunch, champagne chugging, and leaving at two o'clock because who cares. So here I am. And here I will stay until Baby Joe wakes up from her nap, watching everyone else who didn't bring their baby to work walk out the door.

Here are some things I want to remember about this Christmas:

Zoë loves Christmas lights almost as much as the people in our neighborhood like stringing them up. There are some houses that go nuts and have dozens - literal dozens - of blow-up Christmas characters and light-up reindeer and music playing. There's also my personal favorite house, which has a single strand of lights hung halfheartedly over the top of a shrub. There's nothing to suggest that they did this in celebration of Christmas except that it didn't appear until December. I don't know who lives there but I love them. ANYWAY, our evening walk home from daycare is so delightful because Zoë says "OooooOOOH!" and points at things and scream laughs. Her very most favorite are the projector things that make red and green dots go everywhere. I don't know, like this:

Those are a very popular choice for some reason, and she could not be more pleased. 

The St. Nicholas Project. I wanted to participate in one of those programs where you choose a child's name from a tree or something and then you get them Christmas presents, but I didn't have a lot of extra money this year. (You know, as opposed to all the other years where I've had to flush money down the toilet because I just ran out of things to do with it.) So at the very last minute I reached out to my coworkers and asked if anyone would want to do it together, and between everyone's personal contributions and my very generous bosses' donations we were able to get toys and gifts and warm winter coats for three families. The whole process reminded me of how important it is to be involved and to be informed and to help when and where you can; for the last few years I've been extraordinarily preoccupied with myself and - to make this all about me - I needed a reminder.

I want to remember more things, like the salt dough ornaments we made and the baby angel Christmas tree decoration that doodle bug runs around with screaming "BABY!" but I also really want to leave because there aren't any mimosas left. So bye, Merry Christmas, I love you probably.



Edit, after Christmas actually happened: Every time Baby Joe opened a gift she said "Woww!" or "Ooh!" and something that sounded like it could be "Let's play!" One of the gifts was a teddy bear from a couple I know through work and the tag said "To Kira, Love Great Aunt Lynn XOXO." She also got a play broom and dustpan from her Grandma that I wound up sweeping our kitchen floor with because she still just wanted to walk around with the real one. 

But what a funny thing it is to travel like that, leaving little fragments of one’s heart more or less everywhere.

SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR

I found a post about our trip to Maine two (three, now?) summers ago in drafts. Nothing was written yet; there were just some photos, which seems right.

That week felt like the apex of something for a lot of reasons. And wouldn't you know, it turned out to be the last real vacation we would go on as a - I know, I see you cringing, I'm going to say it anyway - as a family of two. 

We stayed in Old Port by the beach:

We took the ferry to Peaks Island:

We went kayaking at sunset in Casco Bay:

Had our anniversary dinner at Miyake: 

Discovered The Holy Donut by happy accident:

Rode around on some boats:

Spent a few hours at Old Orchard Beach because I insisted:

Ate and drank and ate and looked at stuff and ate some more:

The End.

I wonder what other gold there is to find in these here drafts. 

merry and bright

2018

Ordinarily I don't love when "Christmas" starts before Thanksgiving - I used to think it was THE MOST obnoxious when winter holiday decorations appeared before the jack-o-lanterns had rotted into puddles. "They need to be at the point where one must scrape them off the porch," I firmly believed. "That's when it's okay to start thinking about unpacking the snowflakes and Santas." 

It doesn't bother me as much anymore because now I'm busy being irate about other things that don't really matter, but I still feel the need to write this rambling disclaimer to assure you that I'm not trying to rush Christmas. What I am trying to do is plan ever so slightly in advance because there are so many Christmas Things to do and with the nap/bedtime of a small child to consider in addition to the usual guests and trips, planning is more than ever of the UTMOST importance. 

Pluuus I've been going through the pictures on my phone because I haven't printed any since Joe was born, and looking at pictures of last Christmas has me all warm and fuzzy inside. OKAY GOSH. 

Anyway here is my ChRiSTMaS BuCkET LiST, please to enjoy. 

Still 2018

❄ Make a Christmas cocktail. I've never met a mule I didn't like, and this cranberry one is calling my name. 

❄ Drink said Christmas cocktail while watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" with Diego. Because it's our favorite and we may or may not sing the song all year round. 

❄ Visit Randall's Island for LuminoCity. It's the first year they're doing it and it isn't free, so this one is a bit of a risk. But like, it'd be pretty hard to make an island of Christmas lights not fun, right?

❄ Refrain from imbibing until the office Christmas party actually starts. Unless I get really thirsty. 

❄ Holiday Lights at the Bronx Zoo. Big cats AND hot cocoa AND sparkly lights? Yes, please, thank you. 

❄ Get an empanada from that Peruvian place under the train in Bensonhurst. Or is it in Bay Ridge? I can never remember, but listen, ever since Diego's brother moved we don't have a reason to go all the way down there and honestly they make a ham and cheese empanada that is just. MMM. It's every Christmas dream I ever had wrapped in dough and fried. Or are they baked? I can never remember, but listen, Dyker Heights is right next store so after the empanadas we can take a stroll through their famously extravagant light displays. 

❄ Pick a Christmas tree. Doodle was way more into trick-or-treating than I expected her to be; I wasn't sure if she'd understand what we were doing, and she probably didn't really, but she sure did understand that people were calling her cute and putting shiny things into her bucket. I'm looking forward to letting her "choose" our Christmas tree from the stand we always go to. 

❄ Enjoy the holiday window displays. I almost don't want to include this because most of the time we're able to see the traditionally decked-out ones while doing our regular things. And most of the time that happens on off hours and at random times, because if you try to "drink hot cocoa and walk down 5th Avenue to take in the holiday delights" or whatever, nine times out of ten there is a crowd of people mouth-breathing onto the glass and ANOTHER crowd of people trying to shove past those people. But even though it's not really An Activity We're Going to "Do", it is a particularly twinkly part of this season that makes me really happy. 

❄ Put out milk and cookies for Santa. GUYS I'M SO EXCITED FOR SANTA. When my brother and I were really little my dad stood outside under our window shaking jingle bells while my mom stood inside with us and pointed at the sky and said Santa was flying by in his sleigh and to this day we both remember seeing him. Santa is hands-down the best lie a parent can tell, and I am THRILLED that it's my turn to stuff stockings and write pretend letters telling Joe to help her parents fold the laundry. 

❄ Actually make an effort with the family Christmas puzzle this year. Unless I get really thirsty again.

2029

What are you all going to be up to the second Thanksgiving is over?

On Halloween we trick-or-treated for the first time as a family and the felt and pipe cleaners that I hot glued onto our hoodies were a real hit. For those of you who didn't grow up watching Mexican television shows, we all dressed up as "El Chapulín Colorado," AKA this guy:

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For Día de Muertos we went to an event at the Museum of Natural History. We arrived promptly at nap time so before the actual festival we got to browse the meteors and skeletons while Doodle snoozed in her stroller.

[In spite of the fact that it was Saturday at a crowded museum, it was the best possible activity we could have chosen. For whatever reasons, chemical or planetary or whatever, last week was a challenge. I was just blue, and honestly I'm still coming out of it, but hey! C'est la vie, I'm feeling my feelings, etc. But looking at space rocks and dead people and bugs in the semi-darkness was so, so soothing. Give it a try the next time you're feeling out of sorts.]