One day last week I came home to find this at my door:
I used all the air in my lungs to hiss “THE DEVIL WAS HERE” and then fell over. Then I got up and ate a bagel at 10PM – which turned out to be the top of a slippery, chubby slope that I did not see the bottom of until yesterday. Approximately yesterday.
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| Ignoring the candy bowl behind me SO HARD. |
Almost entirely by virtue of the fact that cereal is my preferred choice of meal, I don’t generally eat a lot of meat. Over the past few years, for some reason, I started to sometimes get super grossed out while eating it. Plus, twice after eating some sort of beef I had stomach cramps that lasted for days and were so bad that I couldn’t make myself eat anything. (Peppermint pills helped a little bit, if you too are feeling crampy and sad! Also if you drop them into a pot of boiling water you can pretend you’re at a spa before you rip blackheads out of your face with a two-dollar mask from Korea. I don’t actually know if either of those things are good ideas, actually. But I’m not dead. So.)
Anyway since I already don’t eat much meat, I’ve recently been thinking, why not eat no meat at all? So that’s what I’ve been doing over the past few days, and I’m thinking about eventually working my way up to full-on plant-based. The fact that I decided to start this now, after a week of eating all of everything (though I did manage to eat a cuisine from almost all of the continents, and also supported local businesses, so I’m basically a hero), speaks loudly to the fact that my relationship with food and what it does to my body still isn’t exactly a well-oiled machine. So I have to take eensy weensy baby steps in order to have plenty of time and opportunity for check-ins with myself. “Self,” I will say, “You are making decisions in the interest of being kind to us, right? And not in the interest of starving off your fluffy parts? They’re some of your most fun parts, remember that.”
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| "Heavily filtered photo" is my preferred choice of diet. |
THIS week it’s been 80 degrees every day so naturally I wore my new sweater to work and then came home and cooked “healthy vegetarian fall things” that I got off Pinterest. Sweet potato crock pot chili? My lazy, grotesque-looking version of eggplant lasagna? Using all of the hot appliances my baby kitchen has to offer? Check check check. That was two nights ago, and the chili is aging BEAUTIFULLY. Like an angel. Like a Chilean angel. For those of you who are wondering, the secret ingredient is to set your alarm for 1:30AM so you can get up and turn off the crock pot you intelligently turned on at 8PM AND THEN when you hear that alarm, wake up just enough to swipe at your boyfriend’s head until he gets up and turns it off. He probably has to pee, anyway. You’re doing everyone so many favors.
Well, okay! This post has both maintained the historical ratio of FOOD STUFF to OTHER STUFF posts on this blog, AND saved my face from use-tax-and-Quickbooks-related fingernail gashes. When should I monetize this baby? Yesterday right?
