Once in a while I check my boyfriend's Facebook
so I can look at my mom's Facebook
and make sure she isn't cheating on me.
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| I'm ashamed of getting so bored at Carnegie Hall. |
A couple weeks ago I was scrolling through the archives of her wall to make sure there weren't any pictures of her looking too comfortable with any babies or girls my age (now that I think about it it's probably about time I check again), and I saw a video called "Dear Fat People" she'd posted something about. And yes, I did leave a comment via Diego. I shall post it here:
Here's a tip: If you can't mind your own beeswax, as I sometimes cannot, hire some bees to do it for you. They're very hard workers, bees are.
Since I am as usual an entire gestational period late to the pop culture discussion and I feel stupid writing at any length about a girl whose main credential is "Youtuber who makes videos that are essentially lists of jokes everybody has already heard", I'll make my thoughts on the actual video quick. Well. Quick-ish. Mostly: I can't understand why this video got SO much attention so quickly, because the woman who made it failed to say one thing that was the least bit insightful. I don't mean this as a hateful comment toward her, but that was literally some of the most derivative comedy I've ever seen. And there's nothing "wrong" with being derivative, per se, and that's a conversation unto itself. (Also another conversation: Whether or not we're calling her video "comedy." I am, because what it definitely was NOT was a PSA about obesity.) But because exactly zero of what she said wasn't straight from a narrative that most of us know by heart, I'm having trouble understanding why anyone cares what she said. She literally just repeated every single joke and anecdote about "fat" people that many other people have already made ad nauseum.
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| I'm ashamed of all the times I tell Diego I'm tired so we can leave shows a little bit early when really I just don't want to risk being smushed in with 100 drunk/"high on the music" people on whatever mode of transportation we have to take home. |
Dear Nicole, I agree with you that people get offended by the dumbest shit, and that there are a lot of folks who spend more time policing what other people say than they probably should. But if you have to be mean to get people to pay attention to you and you can't be even be original about it, then you might want to stick to filming things that other people have written until you can come up with your own jokes. Also, I'd like to point out that you have the same luxury of not having to face an actual human's IRL reaction when you post your videos as the "keyboard warriors" you gripe about do when they post all their dumb shit. (Maybe I'm wrong, because I don't know you, but I sincerely doubt that you would ever say any of those things in that tone of voice to an actual overweight person that you cared about.) What's of real concern to me is that so many reactions to your video centered around you being a "skinny white blonde bitch" because when people call you those things, when they reduce you to your physical appearance, they are doing exactly what they're mad at you for doing. Although - and I say this out of love, because I care, like you purport to, "care" - the only thing you really did in that video was "appear." You talked a lot but it's clear you have nothing to say. All you did was regurgitate messages that have already been received. In closing, I dig your pink hair but because it has no impact on my life whatsoever, because you have not asked for my opinion, and because I do not genuinely feel that it is a danger to you - I will refrain from writing a blog about it. Signed, Lindsay
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| I'm ashamed that I made it exactly two blocks in these shoes before getting in a cab. They're FLATS. |
Here's the thing: Outside of a Stephen King novel, I cannot imagine that anyone who is overweight to the point of being immobile became that way because of genetics. I do not believe that at no point did they have any control over their weight gain, or that their extreme size is not in very large part a result of choices that that person made. I just don't. (I also think it's VERY important to know who the word "fat" is being used to describe. To be clear, when I say "fat" I am referring to people who have excess body weight to the point where it limits their ability to navigate spaces beyond their bed. To be clearer, I use the word "fat" as a descriptor of physicality the same way as I'd say "brunette", not as a way to define the people I'm referring to. This is tricky because there are so many different definitions of what "fat" is, just like anything else. I mean, we're all fat to ants, so.) I just don't believe that a thyroid problem could by itself blow someone up to that extreme.
But I also don't believe that telling a "fat" person that they "smell like sausages" in a YouTube video is an effective method of intervention.
But I also don't believe that telling a "fat" person that they "smell like sausages" in a YouTube video is an effective method of intervention.
That is exactly as helpful as approaching a person in less than clean clothes who is sleeping on a park bench smelling strongly of whiskey and urine, shaking that person awake and saying, "EXCUSE ME. YOU AREN'T VERY CLEAN AND ALSO YOU SMELL LIKE WHISKEY AND URINE - STOP DOING THAT" and walking away feeling like you just changed that person's life when really you just made them sadder about it. Which exacerbates their problem because their coping mechanisms are what landed them on that park bench to begin with.
For the record, yes, I 100% think that there are people who are extremely overweight simply because they will not eat a vegetable unless you wrap it in bacon and deep fry it. I do think that laziness is a factor in a lot of cases - especially in extremely obese people my age-ish, I really feel like there can be a very Augustus Gloop "Mommy's special snowflake angel" thing going on.
But you know what else factors in? Companies adding sugar to every god damn thing. The fact that the availability of food in this "first world" country of ours is so inconsistent - far too many people do not have access to places to buy the foods they should be eating, even if they have been educated about what those foods are, and even if they have the money to buy that food. Which a lot of the time they haven't been, and most of the time they don't. Perhaps the most important factor, at least in my mind, is that quality healthcare - mental or otherwise - for far too many people is basically a fucking unicorn. What some might be quick to label "laziness" might actually be a symptom of mental illness - in my mind.
(In someone else's mind I'm making excuses for "fat" people. In someone else's mind I'm fat shaming. And in yet someone else's mind there is a hamster running on a wheel or a monkey banging cymbals a la Homer Simpson because this blog is so long and boring and there aren't enough pictures.) **Edit: I used this formerly picture-less blog as a random photo dump after the fact. I LIKE COLOR OKAY.
Look, I smoke cigarettes and do my damnedest to manage an eating disorder. I'm not a stranger to addiction, especially to food. I get it, I truly do. But I also do not believe that food is AS addictive as, say, heroin - and I feel like the idea that "it's harder to quit food than it is to quit drugs because you have to eat food to live" a lot of times gets treated like a blank check for people to eat whatever they want to without taking responsibility for the consequences. I hate that comparison when people on either side of the "fat shaming" fence make it - I hate it when a person who just won't give up Taco Bell (PENNY ON MY 600-POUND LIFE, I'M LOOKING AT YOU) says, "But I'm addicted! Tacos are as hard to quit as heroin!" I hate it more when someone like Nicole Arbour uses the comparison to make jokes about a person addicted to methamphetamine accusing others of "meth shaming."
Whether you're addicted to sugar or to cocaine or to shopping or to sex the bottom line is that at some point you're going to need to take responsibility for yourself, summon up some willpower, and deal with it. Or you can continue dealing with the consequences of your choices. At the same time, we shouldn't be spending our time comparing one person's struggles to another person's struggles. Some things are harder for some people, they just are. And we don't need to shame each other, or accuse other people of shaming us about whatever our struggle is, because you can't shame someone for being something they aren't! And if you know you're not a thing, then you can't feel shame about it! Say for example Nicole actually read my letter to her. I have no control over whether or not what I said makes her feel ashamed, because if she actually made her video because she cares about helping people and her intentions were actually good then she has nothing to feel ashamed of.
"shame - a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety."
Webster says so. So if someone says something that sets off bad feelings inside of you, before you freak the fuck out at that person maybe take a moment to examine your thought process. This isn't easy. It requires getting to know yourself. But the better you understand yourself, the more self-aware you are able to be and the less you will give any fucks if someone actually is actively trying to shame you. KNOW THYSELF, and possess the power to tell the actual shamers to fuck thyselves. And then we can stop the endless cycle of shame, because if we're all comfortable with ourselves then we'll all be comfortable with each other and then nobody has to feel shame.
You're not less of a person because you are any type of anything.
My GOD this is an epic ramble of nonsensical proportions. I'll close with this much better example of a Youtube video addressing a specific group of people, because just in case I did shame Nicole Arbour I'd like to make up for that karmically by supporting someone whose videos are fucking hilarious and also relevant and also contain many, many things that she thought of herself inside her own brain:
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| I'm ashamed of all the white clothes I ruined this summer (stay tuned for post titled "Adventures in Fake Tan"). I'm not ashamed of my rubber banded camera, because I am MacGyver and MacGyver isn't wired for shame. I'm also ashamed of taking selfies to make sure my hair doesn't look weird. One day I'll show you ALL the "do I look weird" selfies I have and oh. How we'll laugh. |
But you know what else factors in? Companies adding sugar to every god damn thing. The fact that the availability of food in this "first world" country of ours is so inconsistent - far too many people do not have access to places to buy the foods they should be eating, even if they have been educated about what those foods are, and even if they have the money to buy that food. Which a lot of the time they haven't been, and most of the time they don't. Perhaps the most important factor, at least in my mind, is that quality healthcare - mental or otherwise - for far too many people is basically a fucking unicorn. What some might be quick to label "laziness" might actually be a symptom of mental illness - in my mind.
(In someone else's mind I'm making excuses for "fat" people. In someone else's mind I'm fat shaming. And in yet someone else's mind there is a hamster running on a wheel or a monkey banging cymbals a la Homer Simpson because this blog is so long and boring and there aren't enough pictures.) **Edit: I used this formerly picture-less blog as a random photo dump after the fact. I LIKE COLOR OKAY.
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| I'm ashamed of ever feeling bad about my body because this woman custom made it for me. (Those are our "heroin chic" poses by the way. And that is my "haven't done laundry in two weeks" outfit. In case you weren't sure.) |
Look, I smoke cigarettes and do my damnedest to manage an eating disorder. I'm not a stranger to addiction, especially to food. I get it, I truly do. But I also do not believe that food is AS addictive as, say, heroin - and I feel like the idea that "it's harder to quit food than it is to quit drugs because you have to eat food to live" a lot of times gets treated like a blank check for people to eat whatever they want to without taking responsibility for the consequences. I hate that comparison when people on either side of the "fat shaming" fence make it - I hate it when a person who just won't give up Taco Bell (PENNY ON MY 600-POUND LIFE, I'M LOOKING AT YOU) says, "But I'm addicted! Tacos are as hard to quit as heroin!" I hate it more when someone like Nicole Arbour uses the comparison to make jokes about a person addicted to methamphetamine accusing others of "meth shaming."
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| I'm ashamed of every cocktail I've ever denied myself. |
Whether you're addicted to sugar or to cocaine or to shopping or to sex the bottom line is that at some point you're going to need to take responsibility for yourself, summon up some willpower, and deal with it. Or you can continue dealing with the consequences of your choices. At the same time, we shouldn't be spending our time comparing one person's struggles to another person's struggles. Some things are harder for some people, they just are. And we don't need to shame each other, or accuse other people of shaming us about whatever our struggle is, because you can't shame someone for being something they aren't! And if you know you're not a thing, then you can't feel shame about it! Say for example Nicole actually read my letter to her. I have no control over whether or not what I said makes her feel ashamed, because if she actually made her video because she cares about helping people and her intentions were actually good then she has nothing to feel ashamed of.
"shame - a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety."
Webster says so. So if someone says something that sets off bad feelings inside of you, before you freak the fuck out at that person maybe take a moment to examine your thought process. This isn't easy. It requires getting to know yourself. But the better you understand yourself, the more self-aware you are able to be and the less you will give any fucks if someone actually is actively trying to shame you. KNOW THYSELF, and possess the power to tell the actual shamers to fuck thyselves. And then we can stop the endless cycle of shame, because if we're all comfortable with ourselves then we'll all be comfortable with each other and then nobody has to feel shame.
You're not less of a person because you are any type of anything.
My GOD this is an epic ramble of nonsensical proportions. I'll close with this much better example of a Youtube video addressing a specific group of people, because just in case I did shame Nicole Arbour I'd like to make up for that karmically by supporting someone whose videos are fucking hilarious and also relevant and also contain many, many things that she thought of herself inside her own brain:
