"I just have a question about this picture I'm looking at."

"No problem, what would you like to know?"

"Can you tell me what it looks like?"

PAUSE. "It's... ah."

"I'm looking at the one you labeled 'bronze.' What color is it?"

"Well, it's um. Bronze. Like in the picture? I'm holding the sample to the screen and the color is true, at least on mine."

"Hm. Okay. But what does it look like? What color is it?"

PAUSE. "If you'd like I can mail you a sample, or you can come pick it up if that's easier?"

"Oh no that's not necessary, you can just tell me what it looks like." 

A chapter of my memoir will be called, "Things I Collect: Grocery Lists and Weirdos." 

"...Also, Dresses From Thrift Stores. Also Pictures of Myself. This is Going to be a Long Chapter."

my sun, my moon, and all my stars

Saturday was free museum day, so naturally we stayed in bed until two o'clock and got to the Morgan Library half an hour before closing. I pretended to be Belle for an entire thirty minutes, which, yes, IS what I do every day anyway instead of exercise. But. Sometimes it's nice to do it in an actual library.

In all seriousness - thirty minutes in a place like that without being allowed to touch anything is about all I can take without breaking. I maybe almost cried, which is not unusual.

I've said this before and stuck to it like anything sticks to something that isn't sticky, but I want to document more of this season of my life. I've made such very deliberate choices in order to wind up where I am, and I'm so very grateful for what I get to do and where I get to be. Even when it's shitty. Which it is sometimes. But more often, it's lovely and weird and mine.

I'm going to try to post something here once a day, small or silly or otherwise. Because I'm so happy to be here, now, to be alive in the place where I'm living with the people I'm living alongside. Allow me to indulge in one Rumi quote and then you can enjoy pictures of this weekend, some of which have been impressively taken from the most unflattering angles in the history of photography, DIEGO MARTINEZ.

I am an image you stitch with gold thread

on a tapestry, the least figure,

a playful addition.

But nothing you work on is dull.

I am part of the beauty.

RUMI

“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.” FRIDA KAHLO

The Frida Kahlo exhibit is worth paying full price to see, even if you could have paid for two student tickets instead of one because nobody at the Bronx botanical garden bothers to check. Which was too bad for them last Saturday, because if they had checked they would have been able to see that I'd accidentally bought a "senior" ticket instead of a "student" one. And what a funny moment that could have been. Man. I really hate to miss a good chuckle.

"What appear to be colorful flowers 

are actually brightly colored floral bracts

 - modified leaves that attract pollinators to 

the true flowers, 

which are white and very small." 

Another thing that is always worth the money is Tehuitzingo Deli on 49th. They remodeled a couple of years ago so it doesn't have the same sketchy "I might actually die here" vibe as it did when Diego first took me there, but that doesn't make me like it any less. 

Today I feel like doing something that involves putting on lipstick (like maybe drinking wine out of a paper bag somewhere before it gets too cold, YAS) so I guess I'd better shower because full-coverage foundation doesn't work on stinky. I am a beauty guru, is how I know these things.  

So Mercury's retrograde right now, and while it's not like I'm over here checking my horoscope every day I do think that those giant rocks moving around up there have an impact on the vibrations here on Planet Lindsay. Today was quiet at work - for most of the day it was just me and one other guy, and we spent the day talking smack about every vendor who called and interrupted our webMDing if we could blame our allergies on the air in the office. (I swear he is the middle aged Filipino version of me.) In between googling air purifiers and doing actual work, I suddenly got nostalgic for teenagehood. For no reason at all that I can think of, except for Mercury.

Anyway I started listening to some songs that I listened to in high school and here is a random, random sampling in no order whatsoever - I cannot create a cohesive playlist to save my life, but I tried to put the songs I cried to a lot... obviously, then, this is a very small sampling. I've also included some of the lyrics that made appearances in either my AIM profile or on my Myspace, because, memories. Misty water-colored memories.

Lazy Eye - Silversun Pickups

"...impossible, if possible."


Lua - Bright Eyes

"But me I'm not a gamble, 
you can count on me to split. 
The love I sell you in the evening 
by the morning won't exist."


You Had Time - Ani DiFranco

"You are a china shop and I am a bull. 
You are really good food and I am full. 
...and you will take the heavy stuff, 
and you will drive the car, 
and I'll look out the window and make jokes 
about the way things are."
BONUS: I was also obsessed with the movie in this clip. I actually think the movie might have been what made me start listening to Ani DiFranco in the first place. The first time I saw it I was in the eighth grade, and the end shocked the hell out of me for some reason and I couldn't stop laughing. Which was... revealing. Ahem.


Going Away to College - Blink 182

"I haven't been this scared in a long time, 
and I'm so unprepared so here's your valentine:
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody... 
this world's an ugly place, 
but you're so beautiful to me."


Blood Red Summer - Coheed and Cambria

"When the answer that you want 
is in the question that you state..."


Everywhere - Bran Van 3000

"Everywhere I see your face 
is everywhere you sang your smile and 
every time you're not around doesn't matter 
cause you're everywhere to me."


Back in Your Head - Tegan and Sara

"Remember when I was so strange and likable?
...I'm not unfaithful, but I'll stray."


Samson - Regina Spektor

"And the history books forgot about us 
and the bible didn't mention us - 
not even once."


Maggie - Colin Hay

"You taught me how to sink or swim; 
when I was scared that day, 
you just pushed me in."


A Case of You - Joni Mitchell (I still listen to this song at least once a week. At least.)

"...be prepared to bleed."




And just to temper some of the angst (although, really, this next song's pretty fucking angst-y too):
Da Mystery of Chessboxin' - Wu Tang Clan

Which I of course listened to while riding around in either a boat-sized 1980-something Buick or in my friend's mom's Subaru. "Raw I'ma give it to ya," indeed.

Once in a while I check my boyfriend's Facebook 

so I can look at my mom's Facebook 

and make sure she isn't cheating on me. 

I'm ashamed of getting so bored at Carnegie Hall.

A couple weeks ago I was scrolling through the archives of her wall to make sure there weren't any pictures of her looking too comfortable with any babies or girls my age (now that I think about it it's probably about time I check again), and I saw a video called "Dear Fat People" she'd posted something about. And yes, I did leave a comment via Diego. I shall post it here:

Here's a tip: If you can't mind your own beeswax, as I sometimes cannot, hire some bees to do it for you. They're very hard workers, bees are. 

Since I am as usual an entire gestational period late to the pop culture discussion and I feel stupid writing at any length about a girl whose main credential is "Youtuber who makes videos that are essentially lists of jokes everybody has already heard", I'll make my thoughts on the actual video quick. Well. Quick-ish. Mostly: I can't understand why this video got SO much attention so quickly, because the woman who made it failed to say one thing that was the least bit insightful. I don't mean this as a hateful comment toward her, but that was literally some of the most derivative comedy I've ever seen. And there's nothing "wrong" with being derivative, per se, and that's a conversation unto itself. (Also another conversation: Whether or not we're calling her video "comedy." I am, because what it definitely was NOT was a PSA about obesity.) But because exactly zero of what she said wasn't straight from a narrative that most of us know by heart, I'm having trouble understanding why anyone cares what she said. She literally just repeated every single joke and anecdote about "fat" people that many other people have already made ad nauseum. 

I'm ashamed of all the times I tell Diego I'm tired so we can leave shows a little bit early when really I just don't want to risk being smushed in with 100 drunk/"high on the music" people on whatever mode of transportation we have to take home.

Dear Nicole, I agree with you that people get offended by the dumbest shit, and that there are a lot of folks who spend more time policing what other people say than they probably should. But if you have to be mean to get people to pay attention to you and you can't be even be original about it, then you might want to stick to filming things that other people have written until you can come up with your own jokes. Also, I'd like to point out that you have the same luxury of not having to face an actual human's IRL reaction when you post your videos as the "keyboard warriors" you gripe about do when they post all their dumb shit. (Maybe I'm wrong, because I don't know you, but I sincerely doubt that you would ever say any of those things in that tone of voice to an actual overweight person that you cared about.) What's of real concern to me is that so many reactions to your video centered around you being a "skinny white blonde bitch" because when people call you those things, when they reduce you to your physical appearance, they are doing exactly what they're mad at you for doing. Although - and I say this out of love, because I care, like you purport to, "care" - the only thing you really did in that video was "appear." You talked a lot but it's clear you have nothing to say. All you did was regurgitate messages that have already been received. In closing, I dig your pink hair but because it has no impact on my life whatsoever, because you have not asked for my opinion, and because I do not genuinely feel that it is a danger to you - I will refrain from writing a blog about it. Signed, Lindsay

I'm ashamed that I made it exactly two blocks in these shoes before getting in a cab. They're FLATS.

Here's the thing: Outside of a Stephen King novel, I cannot imagine that anyone who is overweight to the point of being immobile became that way because of genetics. I do not believe that at no point did they have any control over their weight gain, or that their extreme size is not in very large part a result of choices that that person made. I just don't. (I also think it's VERY important to know who the word "fat" is being used to describe. To be clear, when I say "fat" I am referring to people who have excess body weight to the point where it limits their ability to navigate spaces beyond their bed. To be clearer, I use the word "fat" as a descriptor of physicality the same way as I'd say "brunette", not as a way to define the people I'm referring to. This is tricky because there are so many different definitions of what "fat" is, just like anything else. I mean, we're all fat to ants, so.) I just don't believe that a thyroid problem could by itself blow someone up to that extreme.

But I also don't believe that telling a "fat" person that they "smell like sausages" in a YouTube video is an effective method of intervention. 

That is exactly as helpful as approaching a person in less than clean clothes who is sleeping on a park bench smelling strongly of whiskey and urine, shaking that person awake and saying, "EXCUSE ME. YOU AREN'T VERY CLEAN AND ALSO YOU SMELL LIKE WHISKEY AND URINE - STOP DOING THAT" and walking away feeling like you just changed that person's life when really you just made them sadder about it. Which exacerbates their problem because their coping mechanisms are what landed them on that park bench to begin with. 

I'm ashamed of all the white clothes I ruined this summer (stay tuned for post titled "Adventures in Fake Tan"). I'm not ashamed of my rubber banded camera, because I am MacGyver and MacGyver isn't wired for shame. I'm also ashamed of taking selfies to make sure my hair doesn't look weird. One day I'll show you ALL the "do I look weird" selfies I have and oh. How we'll laugh.

For the record, yes, I 100% think that there are people who are extremely overweight simply because they will not eat a vegetable unless you wrap it in bacon and deep fry it. I do think that laziness is a factor in a lot of cases - especially in extremely obese people my age-ish, I really feel like there can be a very Augustus Gloop "Mommy's special snowflake angel" thing going on.

But you know what else factors in? Companies adding sugar to every god damn thing. The fact that the availability of food in this "first world" country of ours is so inconsistent - far too many people do not have access to places to buy the foods they should be eating, even if they have been educated about what those foods are, and even if they have the money to buy that food. Which a lot of the time they haven't been, and most of the time they don't. Perhaps the most important factor, at least in my mind, is that quality healthcare - mental or otherwise - for far too many people is basically a fucking unicorn. What some might be quick to label "laziness" might actually be a symptom of mental illness - in my mind.

(In someone else's mind I'm making excuses for "fat" people. In someone else's mind I'm fat shaming. And in yet someone else's mind there is a hamster running on a wheel or a monkey banging cymbals a la Homer Simpson because this blog is so long and boring and there aren't enough pictures.) **Edit: I used this formerly picture-less blog as a random photo dump after the fact. I LIKE COLOR OKAY.

I'm ashamed of ever feeling bad about my body because this woman custom made it for me. (Those are our "heroin chic" poses by the way. And that is my "haven't done laundry in two weeks" outfit. In case you weren't sure.)

Look, I smoke cigarettes and do my damnedest to manage an eating disorder. I'm not a stranger to addiction, especially to food. I get it, I truly do. But I also do not believe that food is AS addictive as, say, heroin - and I feel like the idea that "it's harder to quit food than it is to quit drugs because you have to eat food to live" a lot of times gets treated like a blank check for people to eat whatever they want to without taking responsibility for the consequences. I hate that comparison when people on either side of the "fat shaming" fence make it - I hate it when a person who just won't give up Taco Bell (PENNY ON MY 600-POUND LIFE, I'M LOOKING AT YOU) says, "But I'm addicted! Tacos are as hard to quit as heroin!" I hate it more when someone like Nicole Arbour uses the comparison to make jokes about a person addicted to methamphetamine accusing others of "meth shaming."

I'm ashamed of every cocktail I've ever denied myself.

Whether you're addicted to sugar or to cocaine or to shopping or to sex the bottom line is that at some point you're going to need to take responsibility for yourself, summon up some willpower, and deal with it. Or you can continue dealing with the consequences of your choices. At the same time, we shouldn't be spending our time comparing one person's struggles to another person's struggles. Some things are harder for some people, they just are. And we don't need to shame each other, or accuse other people of shaming us about whatever our struggle is, because you can't shame someone for being something they aren't! And if you know you're not a thing, then you can't feel shame about it! Say for example Nicole actually read my letter to her. I have no control over whether or not what I said makes her feel ashamed, because if she actually made her video because she cares about helping people and her intentions were actually good then she has nothing to feel ashamed of.

"shame - a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety."

Webster says so. So if someone says something that sets off bad feelings inside of you, before you freak the fuck out at that person maybe take a moment to examine your thought process. This isn't easy. It requires getting to know yourself. But the better you understand yourself, the more self-aware you are able to be and the less you will give any fucks if someone actually is actively trying to shame you. KNOW THYSELF, and possess the power to tell the actual shamers to fuck thyselves. And then we can stop the endless cycle of shame, because if we're all comfortable with ourselves then we'll all be comfortable with each other and then nobody has to feel shame.

You're not less of a person because you are any type of anything.

My GOD this is an epic ramble of nonsensical proportions. I'll close with this much better example of a Youtube video addressing a specific group of people, because just in case I did shame Nicole Arbour I'd like to make up for that karmically by supporting someone whose videos are fucking hilarious and also relevant and also contain many, many things that she thought of herself inside her own brain:

where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola

Today I opted out of putting on makeup and being nice to people I think are stupid and out of phone calls and emails and especially out of having zero control over every single thing that anyone is ever yelling at me about. And that list is long, baby.

Today I asked myself who I think I am, and what on earth I want. I probably won't have an answer today, or tomorrow, or next Thursday. But since I cannot provide myself with an answer right now, or possibly ever, I'd like to gently remind myself that I can always, always be anywhere else.

Someone tell me that this is a moon thing. I like to blame things on the moon.