notse from last week's history class (or: i just typed "notes" wrong six times in a row) :

"We are at a crucial point, you and I. At least, the you and I as we exist inside my brain. Or maybe it's only me. Probably it's only me. It's okay that I'm by myself here though because I'm familiar with this place, I've been here before. I come to decide: Do I let this continue?

See, usually by the time I get here I'm already erring on the edge of one choice or another. Rarely has the choice been made for me but I'd be lying if I said it never happened. Today I'm here to ask myself, Where do I think this is going? Where would I like this to go? Only not the second question, oh no, never mind that pretend it never happened because I don't know. And I don't appreciate being badgered this way, Self. The thing is, my life as it is in front of me has a vanishing point that is basically an inch away from my nose. There are some vague, shifty-looking things in my peripherals but these things are too slippery to lay eyes on. Especially because eyeballs are kind of slippery themselves, really there just is not traction going on here whatsoever. Also I suspect that they are being deliberately avoidant, these things. Forward is something to fall into. Backward isn't something I'd consider even if it were an option and remaining stationary presents obvious problems.

I used to not think I was going to live very long because when I tried to picture what my life would be like later on I couldn't do it. When I could, once in a while, conjure up some abstract ideas in which I Did Things and Was a Person it was too much like imagining someone else's life. Which I suppose, you could argue, it was.

Sometimes I play this game with myself that is not really a game at least in the being fun sense in which I try to memorize a moment - no, that's wrong, it's more just acknowledging a moment and what is going on in it and sort of bookmarking it in my brain with the intention of returning to it at a scheduled time. Like, for example, when I am in the car or on the train or walking somewhere, I'll think to myself, Okay. Think about this later while you're doing _____. I've done this ever since I can remember remembering things, who even knows why. Not me. Maybe just trying to manage my awareness of time and its passing, because in general time feels like an enormous wave that's always just about to crash over me."

The person who sits behind me told me he'd spent most of the class watching me draw cats in Paint on my computer and thanked me for teaching him something. When I fill out the survey thing for this professor I'm going to request a portion of her earnings. And also that she never toss a potato at me again.