This song, like, all of this... This song is for you.

Someone just told me I can email my blog. Why didn't I ever know this before? And since when do women have the vote? And what is this new-fangled brightness in here? WHERE ARE ALL THE CANDLES? This is fun though. Also convenient because my blog is under a different account than this email and I get unreasonably aggravated signing in and out of accounts. Almost as aggravated as I used to get changing in and out of my ballet leotard. Which is the one and only reason why I am not writing a blog about my career as a prima ballerina right now.

So hi, long absence from the internet. I see I have lots of emails to return and lots of blogs to catch up on and even, happily!, a few new followers to get to know. I didn't intentionally ditch this space, but I have to admit that I haven't been super interested in sharing much of anything with anyone in general. I don't know how I feel about anything, but I know I am feeling it all very intensely these days. Which I guess is what happens when every time you have a feeling you put it away (with gloves on! because the point is to avoid actually feeling whatever it is) to deal with it later, because you are Busy and Important and Have Other Things To Do Right Now. Those suckers are tricky, though... they lie in wait and watch for a vulnerable moment and as soon as they see their opening they EXPLODE and demand to be acknowledged IMMEDIATELY. You know, sort of exactly like the herpes simplex virus.

I don't know if it's hormones or the time of year or the alignment of the planets/my chakras or what but I have been a huge hot mess the last week. Plus some days. I'll be totally fine for a while and then all of a sudden a switch flips and I'm so sad I just want to lie down on the floor, no matter where I am. (I don't do this. But I totally want to.) Or so angry that I want to kick through glass and pull over dressers and scream so loud and long that I end up with slut voice for the rest of the day. (Haven't actually broken anything but I did get mad at my coffee the other day? So I did the reasonable, adult thing and calmly opened the front door to feel some fresh air on my face. And hurl the coffee mug into the yard. But it didn't break because it landed in snow and as far as I know it's still out there, where it can stay for all I care because apparently I am a person who holds grudges against crockery.)

I know the exact second this nonsense started, a little over a week ago. It was the smallest, dumbest thing that happened at exactly the wrong time, when I was having mixed emotions about the following things:

-Longish stay in the city (because of the break and not having to have a job yet - speaking of, oh myLANTA is school easy when you don't have to work or pay rent. I felt extremely privileged this semester. And I guess it feels kind of good to just focus on myself for a while except NO IT DOES NOT because I need to be actively contributing something tangible to other people's lives in order to not feel like a giant asshole loser. Plus it's rude to stare and I wouldn't want to make myself uncomfortable.)

-Date with a grownup man (on aforementioned trip longish trip) (maybe getting its own post because, dating, what on earth)

-Finagling a class/life schedule between two schools on opposite ends of the state

-Car buying (ugh ugh ugh why doesn't ct just install trains ugh)

-My birthday (etc)

Plus one to three kind of more personal things. And these awful awful feelings found a pinhole of distractedness or something and ripped right through it, and ever since I have no idea what to do with myself because I have no idea which things are going to make me feel what way. Maybe this is some kind of PMD thing. Anyway it has something to do with the moon, for sure. I've noticed the looks she's been giving me. And she better knock it off because I WILL THROW A MUG AT HER.

I have some ideas for blog posts this year that I'm kind of excited about, so when school starts again and I get back into more of a groove that'll be a thing that happens. Also I will catch up on all of your blogs which I so adore reading, also I will start sucking less at returning emails/phone calls/morse code/bat signals, also I have two or three blogs in drafts somewhere that I'll publish if I remember in the meantime just to keep too much cyber dust from gathering while I gather my wits about me. I hope you are all happy and healthy and safe and that... um, love and kittens and other good things you get the idea. XO