for·give
   [fer-giv] for·gave, for·giv·en, for·giv·ing.
verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.





One of the things I love most about little boys is how they will beat the crap out of each other and then be BFFL. Only they don't say stuff like "BFFL." Which is another thing I like about little boys. Note: I came thisclose to using a picture of some of my boys roughhousing up there where Jesus is hanging out (I will leave you to work out whether that pun was intended or not) but I ultimately decided not to because you will think poorly of me for photographing kids trying to get each other into a headlock. WHAT SORT OF GROWN-UP ARE YOU? you will say. Only you wouldn't really say that because you all know I am only pretending to be grown-up.

I wish that when something hurt me, I could punch it, forgive it, and be its friend.

Honest to blog, 98.2% of the time I am 100% not a grudge-holder. A lot of stuff makes me mad, but most of that stuff is super inconsequential (ie, when people straight MOSEY right in front of me when I'm walking and I can't get around them, or when I see a crowd of able-bodied persons waiting for the elevator when the staircase is RIGHT THERE) so I'm mad about it as it's happening but then something else happens so I forget about it in a fraction of a second. With relationships it gets trickier to see, but I'm basically the same way. I have pretty high standards for people who are going to be part of my life, like, "Tell me the truth" and "Try not to get addicted to things" and "Avoid purposely putting yourself/others in dangerous situations." If I stop engaging in a relationship, it means exactly that. I don't stop talking to people to hurt them or to manipulate them. I don't obsess over the things that hurt me and stay actively angry forever. (Active anger at people in my brain generally has a shelf life of like, four days. Tops.) The point is letting go. I disengage when it's become unhealthy to participate in the relationship, for me or for them or for both of us. Which isn't to say I don't give it the ol' college try; let's talk about it, let's work on it, let's be better. But sometimes the cost outweighs the reward. And there are too many wonderful people in the world for you to pour energy into the ones who just make you miserable.

(Except: I think about you. Every day for years, I've thought about you. I feel responsible for you, and whether or not that's true now doesn't matter because someday it will be. I know what some of my options are but all of them are terrifying. And I don't know what's right, but I can hardly ask what you think. So for now, the way it's been is the way it has to stay. I love you.)

Here is a place that is pretty: