I'm writing this whilst listening to Joe rhythmically kick her headboard in the other room. Naps have become a real crapshoot around here - sometimes she conks out for two and a half hours, and sometimes she pops out of bed as soon as I leave the room and knocks over furniture until I let her out. It's not something I'm overly concerned about because her nighttime sleep is good, and it's actually nice that she can skip naps now without turning into a gremlin because it's one less thing to schedule our day around. However, losing that chunk of time during the day is a real wrench in the works-from-home. Which in turn impacts how much time I have for myself overall WHICH was already basically none WHICH is fine, it's all fine. Everything. Is. Fine.

Speaking of work, usually I do a few things on Saturday and Sunday to make up for all the time I spend at the playground during the week except that this weekend the remote server is down so I can't get in so all the things are just continuing to pile up and there's not a whole lot I can do about it but again, you know, fine. 

WE SAID IT'S FINE.

We bought a new stroller yesterday. I got our last one online while I was still on maternity leave and it's been fine but Joe is starting to outgrow the straps. Since my main/only requirements of a stroller are that it be large enough to fit Joe and light enough to carry up stairs and onto trains, I'm sort of limited to strollers geared toward traveling which don't usually have a lot of passenger amenities. (I'd get an umbrella stroller, only I use the thing every single day and we need the sun shade/storage space/cupholder. Are you bored to death yet? This is who I am now. Sry about it!) Anyway I wanted to look at some in person this time so we went to Buy Buy Baby and while I was off to the side explaining the mamaRoo to a fascinated Joe, Diego picked out one he liked and was already having the sales lady call it up to the register by the time I got back. 

Many hours later, I finally watched the last episode of The Handmaid's Tale (I had to take a long break because my postpartum hormones couldn't handle it) and wouldn't you know that June and Lawrence had a conversation that was almost word for word what mine was with Diego in that moment:

"You are not in charge. I am."

I'm going to lie down with the cat now. Peas be with you

Did I live with you in a past life? 

Was I your lifelong partner?

Is that why the idea of losing you torments me so much?

 

How long have I been without you?

- GABRIELA MISTRAL (IN A LETTER TO DORIS DANA)

 

Yesterday we walked to the store to buy more oranges. They're a fan favorite these days and the more I buy the more get eaten, which means many trips to the bulk store which is okay because that's where the good slides happen to be. 

Joe put her tiny warm hand in mine and I sucked in cold air and stifled a mild panic attack because it occurred to me how precious it is, the freedom to walk my daughter to the store to buy oranges. All of the separate, fragile pieces of that freedom - healthy bodies, money to buy things, time to go. Relative safety.

In my dream last night there were lots of people waiting in lots of lines in different rooms of a building where the hallways always led to different places. You had to take a test in order to get a vaccine, and the cost of the vaccine depended on what you scored on the test. I got a low score, which was good and the price that printed out on my little ticket was very low. "It doesn't mean anything," I kept telling the people around me. "I've always been really good at taking tests." I got to the desk where I was supposed to pay and get the shot but realized I forgot my bag in the last room. I spent the rest of the dream trying to get back to to the room where my bag was. I did find it, but then I couldn't get back to the room with the shots.